Your University is an advert for the worst excesses of UK higher education. You dare to permit radical, smelly, drug imbibing, hippy insurgents to seize control of Bramber House, and hold your campus hostage to their anarchist demands. They now control the news agenda, and are undermining the revolutionary changes to Higher Education which I introduced at Weeengland. Their actions are grist to the mill of agitators everywhere.
I write neither to praise, nor to bury you, Michael, but this evil, unless exorcised, will live on, long after you. The good – your revolutionary plans to privatise all services – will be interred with your bones. You and I are honourable men. Some say we are ambitious, seeking fortune by ransoming out laundry provision, security services, estates, waste disposal, catering and risk assessment. If this is ambition then it is a mantle we should wear like the laurel wreaths of old. Michael, these brutish beasts deserve no better than the pentobarbitol administered to my dog. I trust that this advice will not be unwelcome. Sometimes friends need to gently coax each other back on to right path. Malcolm (at London Met), David (at Birmingham), you (at Sussex) and I (at Weeengland) are four musketeers transforming HE in England. Unsheath your sword Michael, harden your resolve. Act now! Let us answer Lenin’s question: what is to be done?
1. Your University is a private legal entity. As such you have full property rights over the land, the property, and over rights of passage and entry to all buildings. You have obviously failed in your obligation to operationalise these rights. These protestors have rendered your campus a flea pit, unfit for human habitation. They should be served notice of your intention to exclude them from the University. Once you have exercised your executive powers you can treat them as common criminals, trespassers, and subject them to the sacred violence which is the law.
2. It is unfortunate that you have not yet privatised your security forces. Privatise your security operations immediately (our trusted partner is Armscorp). This does take some time but there is a fall back position. Police are the trusted allies of property rights. Call your local commander, take him to dinner, and after sherry agree on a strategy for the removal of these fleas. I particularly enjoy watching these removals from my vantage point high up in the VC’s tower, as I pace to and fro planning the smooth implementation of our new business model.
3. Starve them. You have no obligation whatsoever to provide water or food to those who could eat if they went home. It is very important that you use Health and Safety legislation appropriately in these circumstances. A university building is not a residence. You would be in breach of safety regulations if you allowed food or liquids to be eaten, prepared or distributed in an inappropriate fashion. This is an excellent holding strategy while you butter up the constabulary. As a doctor, an expert in gastrenterology, you are all too aware of the risks associated with the distribution of food in these circumstances. If these vermin choose not to eat it is of their own volition. Do not taint yourself with the charge of violating agreed Health and Safety standards. Our risk assessment expert can, for a price, provide a report proving that the provision of food and water is in breach of EU regulations.
4. Occupiers should not have access to toilet or washroom facilities. Such access prolongs the occupation. It is a cost which Universities can ill afford. This may sound like an extreme proposal, but reminding the privileged, bourgeois revolutionary prats that access to the simple bare necessities is easily withdrawn quickly breaks the will of the group. Revolutionaries cannot endure constipation, diarrhea is their modus operandi.
5. Under no circumstances must you allow these prolix children of the internet age access to digital technologies. Desperation for the toilet will drive a few of them out, but their desperation to communicate verges on diarrhea. Cutting all access to the internet and to electrical power – in effect constipating their most profound urges – will incite passions which necessitate that they leave of their own volition. They all suffer from communicative diarrhea. Your duty is to ensure that there is only one anal fissure through which they can find relief.
6. If all else fails deploy the nuclear option. This strategy is a little like introducing a virus to the gastric system, and it can take one of two forms. The first strategy spreads ill founded rumours that there is a spy in the group. Normally the spy is male, aged 24 or so, has had sex with one or more of the occupiers, and is secretly feeding you with information about the group. Such rumours spread like wildfire especially if they originate from within the Student’s Union.
My preferred option is to present the occupiers as a terrorist threat to the University, to the whole of Sussex, and indeed to the moral fibre of the nation. You will destroy the life of at least one protestor if you carry this through. Identify the Islamist radical, release titbits of information to the press, contact Scotland yard. You might note that you cannot be certain about what has happened to certain chemical substances, now missing from the the chemistry lab. This strategy has many virtues. You will look like a moral crusader (make certain to differentiate good from bad muslims in all public speeches, and rescind the exclusion of one or two of the banned students, explaining that they are no longer misled.) You may even persuade John Kerry to join you in your fight against the terrorists destroying western civilisation. He needs a soap box, and you have an international reputation to defend. I can visualise the two of you waving at the adoring crowds, having saved the civilised people of Sussex from these nasty fanatics.
Michael, the time has come to act decisively. You are a gastroenterologist, a man who knows all about the hidden passages, the blockages, the comings and goings of bile. Put your gastric juices to work Michael, eliminate these vile protuberances from university life, once and for all.
Professor, Dr, Sir DW Woodley,
Vice Chancellor of Weeengland