Today Education correspondent Jean Tully Interviews new Weeengland SU President Jonathan Pocock-Rice

 

Jonathan, what a week ! The best ever Weeengland Freshers week?

 

Yes Jean. Absolutely fabulous? Eye candy everywhere, Capital A club nights bigger and better, free giveaways from Barclay’s, Santander, Anglo-American…and condoms in seven different flavours, from our Salvadoran supplier!

 

Did you say ‘eye candy’ Jonathan? The last SU President Candice Weymouth introduced strict policies against the use of sexist language? Eye candy…surely there …

 

Candice and her PC policies! Candice policed us, all the time. A little superego sitting on your shoulder saying: ‘No, don’t! Stop, be good!’ Those days are past. Actually Candice works for Capital Academicians now, as their student liaison. She’s cool….eye candy of Jedi like status. All those policies were just a cover really…

 

But Jonathan, they are still in force. You can’t use that language, you should not use that language!

 

Jean, I thought we arranged an interview not an interrogation! So you’re not eye candy, ok, get over it. Stop editing me! We live in the age of liberation Jean, freedom of expression, freedom Jean! The welfare state is dead Jean, we cannot protect people against their own faces, against the effects of age, genetics, smoking with silly PC policies… no Jean it is up to you, and to be frank you’ve let the side down.

 

Jonathan you are a supercilious shit!  You were rusticated by Oxford, the third generation of your family at Balliol College, the first to be excluded. What happened?

 

We agreed not to talk about that unfortunate episode. All I will say is that I join a long line of revolutionaries  sent down by that awful institution…Shelley, Swinburne, Wilde and me Jean. Me…Jonathan Pocock -Rice. There were allegations. Unproven. …Weeengland saved my life…gave me a place, got me back on track, allowed me to shine. I’m mates with Prof Dave Hackney, the most quoted physicist ever. I am President of the best Student Union ever. I am putting pleasure back where it belongs: in student life, in the student bedroom, on the dance-floor. We pay for this Jean, and it is important that we enjoy what we pay for…otherwise what is the point? Three years of pleasure…that is what students pay for!

 

Jonathan, that takes us back to the point of this interview: Freshers week. What has the student union done for those fresh new faces? Tell us a little more..

 

I organised the biggest, the best, the maddest Freshers week ever! An ethical Freshers week …10% of all sales go straight back in to Capital Academicians green technology lab, and 5% is donated to peace.

 

Donated to peace? Sorry Jonathan, I don’t understand?

 

Peace, Jean. You know, Give peace a chance and all that hippy shit…only joking! Yes peace…Jean you look dubious…ok, ok, the Royal British Legion Jean. We support the legion, the most important charity in the world today.

 

Right…

 

The party Jean, let’s focus on the party: 3 for 1 on alcoholic drinks for all Freshers! A free drink to anyone who snogs a fresher! Capital A nightclub open non-stop for 72 hours with free entrance to all female freshers! Discounts at almost every late night eating venue…Burger King, Kentucky, Frank’s Burgers and sponsored taxis to the nightclub! Four floors dedicated to the best contemporary music! Drone Music! Power Metal! Terrorcore! Bubblegum dance! You see we went for a theme…drones, power, terror but threw in a bit of light relief with bubblegum dance…and you think I have no interest in politics. Well those choices prove you wrong…

 

Wow, Jonathan, I’m impressed! So many exclamation marks! A home county boy like you promoting Terrorcore…but is this all about Capital A’s nightclub? Surely there was more…or are the rumours true: you take a cut of all profits?

 

Jean, please…I am an accountable, elected politician! Once the non-stop 72 hour party was finished we held our Freshers’ fair. Only the fairest at our fair Jean! We had representatives from every local business, from every high street bank, from future employers – Capital A, the MoD, Dell, Apple – and from the biggest entertainment companies in the land including Fun Fairs United, ‘TravelPlus’ which specialises in holidays to Commonwealth countries…all managed by our partners in crime University Security Services, a division of Capital A.

 

Yes, all too familiar Jonathan. I’ve  not heard about that one special ingredient that gives your Freshers’ fair extra mojo?

 

Well Jean, what about the 7 free condoms offer, seven different fruity flavours from our environmentally friendly, fair trade, condom coop company, ‘Hard Up’ based in El Salvador…and

 

Yes yes…oh so very boring Jonathan. Poncey Oxford prick sent down organises second-rate freshers’ fair…you are helping me write the headline Jonathan! Come on give me more…or should I write about the Weeengland Student Union sourcing fruity condoms from companies owned by a sadistic ex-dictator …contracted by Capital Academicians to supply…

 

Jean, stop! You journalists are all the same…using words like a garrotte…ok, ok let me give you something exclusive, something you will never forget! I have personally spearheaded our sexual health campaign the slogan of which is: ‘Join the Safety Shag-fest (JOSSEF). This builds on the excellent work which Candice began last year. My idea was to link sexual health with contraception. I encourage students to donate sperm and eggs for medical research and money, I encourage men to spill their load for cash rather than for babies… Male students can earn fast, fresh and easy money if they just click on this website: www.weeengland.ac.uk/exciseyour excessspunk.com. The best thing about sperm donation is pleasure without the threatened pain of rejection…and heres the rub: all those sperm donations are being used to investigate congenital diseases…a simple plan, guaranteed to make money, promote pleasure and maximise well-being! With my help Weeengland will become the number 1 place for sex!

 

Sex? Jonathan is that really your ambition, to make Weeengland the number 1 for sex?

 

Jean, I thought you were a journalist. Have you not seen the tables? Top place for sex is that South Coast harem the University of Brighton: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/university-sex-league—students-4339174, with an average of 10.59 partners in 3 years. Now that is a table we can top! I am aiming for an average of 15…and our Capital A nights are designed to foster that loving feeling.

 

Have you had good take up on the sperm donation offer?

 

Well the statistics are remarkable Jean…40% of all able males have offered their services for a small fee. Looking more closely at the data we find that shorter men are more likely to offer their…

 

Ok, ok. Jonathan. No need to reveal your hidden geek in public. Any last words you want to share with the Weeengland student community?

 

Yes Jean. Thank you. “Weeenglanders: I am in the prime of my life. I am the man who will lead this institution out of its current parlous state, to make certain that we top the sexual league table. As your SU President I strive every moment of every day to enjoy myself  so that you can enjoy yourself. I promise to get to know as many young freshers as there are hours in the day. As a student of Bentham I believe that we should measure pleasure. I will develop sophisticated techniques to ensure that every policy passes the pleasure measure. As SU president I am accountable for your pleasure. That is my mission.” Will that do Jean? Good, then I guess that we are done! Oh Jean, I have relatives in the plastic surgery business…if you are interested? I so love the fifth estate!

 

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