A very warm welcome, Weenglanders, to your chosen provider of Higher Education! Our mission is to be ‘ the most enterprising, the most impactful, the most diverse university, delivering the best products at the most competitive price, to YOU!’ (note to self: emphasise YOU!) Weeengland is a dynamo of innovative teaching, learning and delivery. We transform YOUR life through high-class engine room delivery, and global leadership in glocal technologies. We are the university of TOGETHER. (note to self: don’t read this note! All students must leave your talk with the words TOGETHER and YOU buzzing around their heads.) Weeengland is committed to delivering an outstanding student experience whether it be in the classroom, on your work placement with Capital A, or when out clubbing with your mates at Capital A’s brand new Dynamo Club nights. Our reputation for excellence will guide you through the maze. TOGETHER we bed in employability skills allowing you to become an upstanding member of YOUR community. Students benefit from award-winning volunteering schemes with local businesses. These are organised by our TOGETHER partner Capital Academicians. Their dedicated career development advice and extensive cultural, sports and leisure programmes will see you emerge phoenix like, shaking off the skin of rebellion and teenage sloth, a highly employable, well presented graduate with an enviable skills base. 12,000 of our students complete work experience as part of their accredited courses each year! You are purchasing an award informed by leading practitioners in business, in the professions, (and in academic study) ably assisted by Capital Academicians our partner TOGETHER.
Weeengland is home to Europe’s largest Incubator Innovation hub. A dedicated world-class weapons technology building will be erected this year using the latest Green technologies, and funded by the MoD. This includes state-of-the-art research weapons testing facilities and new tank testing equipment unique to the UK, central to David Cameron’s mission to maintain a safe, secure England, TOGETHER. We are proud of our partnerships, proud of you, proud that we can aspire together to become upright bastions of community cohesion, and competitive innovation.
Having heard this you are probably rearing to go, ready to work TOGETHER towards a life filled with the Good that we will deliver TOGETHER. But there is more. We are not just a University that takes the business ethos in to the classroom. No. We are the University that researches the impact of our own innovation, making sure that our learning technologies do transform the world you work in. Our research leads the way in impactful innovation, TOGETHER. The Research Excellence Framework will confirm Weeengland’s reputation at the cutting edge of the Impact agenda. We will invest more time, more energy, more commitment into our Innovation Impact Research Hubs led by the most quoted physicist in the History of Physics quotations (as confirmed by google analytics technology) Professor Dave Hackney. Weeengland is a university built on a rich heritage which has grown in terms of size and impact. We remain true to our values of TOGETHERNESS with a strong sense of responsibility to you. We will capitalise on your youth, your energy and your determination. We embrace our leadership role glocally, and beyond, as an engine of transformational change. The University is an award-winning leader in knowledge transfer and we are co-partners in the ‘Capital A Innovation Park’ which houses spinout companies from University research. It is here that many of you will do voluntary work towards your degree. Weeenglander, I urge you now to stand up, to congratulate the student sitting beside you, to hug them and welcome them on this mission that we have taken TOGETHER to transform your life, and to transform. Hug as sign of your commitment, a pact for the future, and let the partnership TOGETHER begin. (note to self – if you see any staff engaging in a hug with student briefly intervene to remind academics that there is a code of practice regulating all relationships…PAUSE before finishing to give the hug of commitment its due impact…) … Weeenglander, go forth! Innovate, multiply, energize. Help us to help you incubate and deliver the transformational innovation that is the baby of the future, together. (note to self: under-emphasise this last ‘together’. The contrast with earlier ‘togethers’ will increase its Impact factor.)
Tesco’s Professor of Retail Innovation and Impact, and Vice Chancellor