19th September 2014
Dear Vice – Chancellor,
We have started to evaluate all existing academic employees, in light of your restructuring plan. Unfortunately Professor Josie Wiles has launched a full frontal assault against me. She has emailed her mad answers to my questionnaire, to all staff. When I walked in to the Senior Administrative building today malicious sniggers echoed after my every step. This woman is a pest, vermin, and her message will spread. I know that you do not tolerate such impudence. It is an attack on the moral fibre of the WEEENGLAND community, on your moral fibre. We must restructure her before she destroys your plans.
In formulating the questionnaire I was guided by best practice, developed at the University of Essex, in consultation with their military commander and VC Anthony Forster. He is a truly inspiring man, with strategic foresight and battlefield acumen. He destroyed the UCU at the University of Essex, a stellar achievement.
Jonathan Tyson, Higher Education Academic Services Consultant,
(P.S. Thank you. I loved the Roderick Charles crimson petal bow tie! It has taken pride of place in my collection, and I will wear it every second Monday of the month.)
Academic Staff: Job Evaluation Questionnaire
NAME: Professor Josie Wiles
AGE: None of your business idiot
NUMBER OF YEARS EMPLOYED AT WEEENGLAND: Check your records. I am not a computer.
ETHNIC ORIGIN: The category ‘ethnic’ is under-speciofied. The notion of ‘origin’ makes no sense, especially as my parents are dead and cannot answer queries, about the particular occasion when perchance, and after a good deal of ardour, I was conceived.
RELIGION IF ANY: Athe-fucking-ist. Jesus Christ what a stupid question.
Section A: Teaching Qualifications
Question 1: What is your highest academic qualification? (Guidance: Having a PhD does not make you a better employee. It may mean that you are set in your ways, not open to change, and too narrowly focused on knowledge for its own sake.This is merely a statistical exercise.)
Question 2: What are your qualifications for teaching?
- I have taught for many years;
- I am a qualified school teacher;
- I have a Post-Graduate Certificate in Higher Education;
- Capital A have evaluated my teaching as outstanding; [Capital A is a criminal cartel. My Head of Department Alex Witherspoon swims in their manure. If they rate you as OUTSTANDING you should consider self-immolation outside the Vice-Chancellor’s office. JW]
- I work with local businesses to integrate real learning into the classroom. [Yeah, sure!!]
Question 3: Which statement best describes your ideal of what academic work in the UK should be?
- The delivery of academic knowledge; [I am not a fucking postman]
- A contribution to the knowledge economy; [I use manure for that, delivered by the postman]
- A supply side measure designed to promote economic growth; [see answer above]
- An economic measure designed to address the long-term structural deficit; [see answer above]
- The induction of young citizens into work, debt and efficiency [Yep this is now my job…but it was not my fucking idea. Once property was described as theft. Today education is theft, of the future, of the present, of the imagination.]
Section B: Contribution to the Adaptive Learning Environment
Question 4: Blended Learning is: [It is BULLSHIT. Like a frog in a liquidizer. JW]
- Sorry what is that?
- I like the idea but need help to develop skills in this area;
- I combine lectures, seminars and essay in my teaching;
- I have adapted asynchronous internet communication technology in all of my courses. This facilitates an efficient, simultaneous, independent, collaborative learning experience. [ARE YOU OFF YOUR FUCKING TROLLEY?]
Question 5: Students are: [Indebted, exploited, unlucky and if I have my way ANGRY!]
- persons studying at a University or other place of higher education;
- persons engaged on a quest for higher knowledge;
- learning partners delivering a better future; WTF?
- consumers and debtors;
- customers and clients.
[Listen, I am about to destroy University property. Which idiot thought up these imbecilic questions? Did you consider the possible damage that might be caused to the information services network by angry academics trying to find one iota of sense in this dribble. Get a tissue, and stop slobbering all over me. My Head of Department Alex Witherspoon does that already.]
Question 6: The teaching tools I use are:
- pen and paper, occasionally a chalk board; (oh and by the way I talk to people, face to face.]
- all of the above as well as PowerPoint;
- all of the above as well as online communications platforms, email, Facebook and Twitter; [online communication platforms!! Are you having a laugh? You think this is an oil rig.]
- all of the above as well as Blended Learning Technologies (Bullshit, see above) such as BrainHoney, Blackboard Learn and in particular Capital A ELearning technologies. [now you are really teasing my hard drive!!]
- all of the above other than Pen and Paper.
Question 7: My attitude to the transformational delivery environment is best described as:
- I admire the Luddites; [finally a sensible answer to an idiotic question]
- I hate my hard drive; [Christ two sensible answers to one question! You are on a roll!]
- a change would do you good; [and then you ruin it all with bloody Sheryl Crow]
- I respond positively to technological innovation when it is proposed by our partners Capital A; [attention deficit disorder approaching…oh shit what was that you said?]
- I actively transform the delivery of learning using every new technology at the earliest possible opportunity. [??????????????????????? And I love going to the toilet every morning.]
Section C: Research Excellence
Question 8: Your research is best described as:
- an end in itself which you have no right to limit;
- a means to attain higher goals such as peace and liberty;
- an investment in me by the University which will reap rewards at a later date;
- an opportunity for Weeengland to commercialize new intellectual property rights…[yes my name is Faust, and I love Lizzy Borden!!]
Question 9: Your attitude to the Research Excellence Framework is: [Every academic who participates in this neoliberal assault on research integrity has already left the academy. They are surrogate human beings, somewhere between amoeba and insect, ghostly echoes of the beings they might have become. Basically, fuck right off!]
- leave my research alone;
- the REF panels are populated by double-crossing rats;
- I strive to achieve research excellence and adapt as necessary to UK plc. research requirements;
- I sit on a REF panel;
- I chair a REF panel.
Question 10: How many Businesses have you worked with in order to improve the impact of your research on the wider community?
- I object to the question;
- Between 2 and 5;
- Capital Academicians;
- At least 6 but probably more. [I have actively worked with every single business listed in the 1957 telephone directory, although I missed out on the Ts, as my old copy had those pages missing. I promise to remedy this abject failure but unfortunately I cannot find another copy of this directory. I know that the Research Office will help. Please put copy in the internal mail. Thanks, Prof JW]
Question 11: Which of these statements best describes your academic impact factor?
- Impact should be limited to the classroom;
- I regard myself as an activist and an academic;
- I work with external organisations, in particular charities and local government;
- I have enrolled on Capital A’s impact programme, and have a growing reputation in business for my impact;
- I am a member of the Weeengland Chamber of Commerce. [Yep, that is right I am a fine, erect member of the self-preservation society, with Michael Caine as my hero, sipping bad wine with wankers at the Masons weekly shindigs!]
Section D: Accountability
Question 12: Why are module specification templates so essential to the modern University? [Because it is environmentally friendly to use them as toilet paper? I cannot think of any other reason for their existence?]
- They are not;
- They are the best way to transfer precise information to consumers;
- They helped me learn the difference between learning aims, learning objectives, and learning outcomes;
- Module specification templates ensure that I am answerable to the client for what I deliver;
- Module specifications use credits to calculate the unit cost of every module. They ensure uniformity, accountability, control the use of time and provide value to the consumer.
[We have really entered the looking-glass world when these are described as essential! Module Specification Templates are rubbish piled upon rubbish piled upon faeces piled upon a sea of bile and swirling intestinal fluids.]
Question 13: To whom are you accountable? [What does the term ‘accountable’ mean? Specify and I will answer, idiot.]
- to knowledge;
- to the client;
- to my manager;
- to the University;
- to [DESTROYING]UK plc.
Thank you for taking the time to answer the WEEENGLAND Enhance your Academic Mojo questionnaire. The results of this survey will not be considered during the restructuring process.They will be used to engage positively with you and to enhance your academic prowess.
UNIVERSITY WIDE EMAIL: 18th September, 2014, 4.14pm
Dear Jonathan, thank you for mistakenly sending me the confidential email included below. It is heartening to know that your system can at least generate an honest appraisal of my answers. I have included every member of the University in this email so that they know what you are doing. I do hope that they are inspired by my answers to your crap. By the way, what was that weird bow tie you had around your neck yesterday? You resemble Michael Gove more and more every day. With my very best wishes, Professor Josie Wiles.
CONFIDENTIAL AUTOMATIC EMAIL: RESULT of Questionnaire (For eyes of VC of WEEENGLAND and Capital A only.)
Professor Josie Wiles must be restructured. Urgent action needed. Pass information on to contacts in relevant departments.
If you receive this email in error please contact Jonathan Tyson at Capital A. Do not share this confidential information with anyone else. You will be in violation of your contract if you do so.