– Draft email: Barbara please edit before sending out to all Department Admin Managers. Many thanks, Greg Halden, Head of Registry, Administrative Service Senior Director, BA Accounting; MA Creative and Artistic Practices, Group Scout Leader, Weeengland
– Greg, see my comments in bold. Barbara, secretary.
Dear Departmental Administrative Managers,
Weeengland is facing a significant recruitment challenge. We are, to be frank, fucked. We must attract, convert and commit students to the Weeengland cause otherwise you will lose your jobs. Think of every interview as a first date with someone you really fancy. Hook them, reel them in and get them to fall in love. (Not appropriate Greg! See our new HR policy on staff-student relations! Barb) We have created and finely tuned new admissions and recruitment policies for this key period. You can read these in the attached volume, but they are far too complex for one email. However, staff across Weeengland should follow my leadership and achieve maximum impact. This year we must harmonise our centrally devolved processes. (NO – Rewrite Greg. Paragraph makes no sense. B) At our extraordinary WAG recruitment meeting I outlined a number of critical items which I explain below. Please hammer these into the thick skulls of your resident academics: (Greg, it was your idea to raise the standard Weeengland offer to AAB! Staff know that you have caused these problems.)
- Pending examination results: We have not received results for a large number of our students. I have authorised my admissions team to grant all of them unconditional places, immediately. Academics, please phone every one of these students and ensure they take up this offer. In extreme cases offer a free ipad, with all lectures and course materials preloaded. We can sort the details out once the client has signed the contract. This decision will clear all blockages from the constipated admissions system and ensure the free flow of client students to the University. (Greg, can you do this? We don’t even know their results? Some may have failed! Barb)
- Clearing: No client must be rejected if they have attained DDE for their A levels. We expect 98% of clearing applicants to be offered a place, and at least 90% to take up this offer. Weeengland is one of those select English Universities with AAB entrance grades. Clearance applicants will view our specially enhanced reduced DDE offer as a one-off discount which no sane person would refuse. Our new VC – The Tesco’s Professor of Retail Management Roberta Rainsford – has consulted with market experts to develop this discount strategy. Weeengland’s reputation was greatly enhanced when we raised our standard offer to AAB. It made us the University of choice for many. Those who missed out first time will not reject our specially discounted offer, but remember this is a buyers market! (Greg, with the greatest respect you are an idiot. Edit this if you want to maintain even a whiff of respect.)
- Competitor Institutions: Most competitor Universities have primed their fuel tank in preparation for clearing. At Weeengland we have one enhanced process which allows us to pump up the volume: our electronic admissions systems, personally authored by me. Our competitive advantage can only be utilised if all pro-formas are completed and saved immediately after the verbal offer is made.There must be no delay. Academic Luddites will need support to fill out the electronic pro-formas. Administrators, will do their duty. (Greg, your system breaks down every hour. It will not work in clearing. Email is more reliable, but pen and paper guarantees that nothing will be lost. I know that your manhood has been sucked dry by this electronic pro-forma project but please do not use clearing to revive your virility. Barb)
- Recruitment until October: The University is fortunate to receive applications right through until enrolment in October. Appropriate staff in all departments must consider applications and then make immediate offers throughout this period. Holiday leave will be cancelled but if academics insist on taking leave they must they respond to all inquiries, even while fanning themselves on their island haciendas. Delays are fatal. (Take out reference to haciendas Greg. Inappropriate and you don’t even know what it means!)
- Adjustment: We have the contact details for thousands of clients who have gone to other Universities. I have appointed a select group of admissions tutors to contact these students with enhanced offers, including free ipads, discounted suites in residence and summer trips to destinations guaranteed to improve their degree experience. This is a new strategy, developed as a rapid response to changed market conditions. Our partners Capital Academicians have tested this strategy on 10 selected clients. It works.
- The University of Weeengland is held in the highest esteem by all echelons of global society. Your continued effort has never been more important as I explore new vistas for Weeengland success. If you are a wo/man determined to make us the best you will rise to this challenge. The flaccid member of Weeengland will be revitalised for the tasks ahead, as we strive to achieve maximum impact. (Gregory, Don’t confuse your erotic disposition with that of the institution. It is repulsive. B)
Gregory Halden, Head of Registry, Administrative Service Senior Director, BA Accounting; MA Creative and Artistic Practices, Group Scout Leader Weeengland
I have a simpler suggestion – see below. If you agree I will email it out today, Barb.
Dear Admissions Tutors,
The University needs to recruit 1297 students during the clearing process. Please keep an accurate record for every applicant, make appropriate offers and take anyone with DDE or better. Students view Weeengland as one of the top institutions in the UK, and most will be really pleased to take up these offers. Thank you for all of your hard work thus far. It is unfortunate that we are in this position but in previous years we have recruited excellent students through clearing and I am sure we will do so once again.
Best wishes, Gregory Halden