Clearing Interview at the University of Weeengland

‘Good morning. Is that Aileen. Yes, so good to talk to you. I’m calling from the University of Weeengland. We missed each other yesterday. I know you phoned eight times. So sorry…but my colleagues insist on taking a summer holiday. Most inconvenient for you. Of course I will offer you a place Aileen…of course.. but we do insist on a formal interview. We have limited places available on this prestigious degree course, and this must be the right decision for both of us. What was that Aileen…why are we in clearing if this is a prestigious course…and you don’t give a toss about me…Well that’s because of government policy Alex…sorry Aileen. Nothing to do with us. We have six places left, only six…no I am not lying. You could be one of those six. We can enhance you Aileen, if you are willing to seize the day. So, are you ready for the interview? What? It’s a bit early, you need some breakfast. Right, Aileen. You realise that you will lose this unique…no no of course I don’t want to reject you Aileen. Yes, yes I once worked at McDonalds too … the customer is always right, much as I hate to say it Aileen, the customer is always right. What? You don’t have the time to bother with an interview. Three A – levels, D, D, C. Well that is above our specially enhanced reduced point score clearing offer. Your coffee is getting cold?? Well Aileen, that was an excellent interview. You have obviously mastered interview techniques. You have a keen sense of opportunity, a crucial skill in this market. Aileen, I am pleased to offer you a place at the University of Weeengland. You are an ideal candidate for our seminar based degree programmes, talkative and engaging…excuse me…you don’t want to do seminars? You prefer to listen in lectures, not to speak in seminars. You prefer passive learning, especially as this is something you are purchasing. I understand Aileen…and as little writing as possible….you will go elsewhere… Well Aileen. Thank you for your time. I am here if you need me. My email address…sorry I forgot your cold coffee. Ok then. You are an ideal candidate Aileen. We are very sorry to lose you. Goodbye.’

15 August 2014

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