VC of WEEENGLAND Celebrates as Russell Group members lose £80 million due to student shortfall
The Vice-Chancellor of Weeengland took time out from the Sir James McMurty institutional review into corruption to celebrate disastrous recruitment at the Russell Group Universities. Wendy Piatt, Director-General of the Russell group, announced today that the Russell Group institutions had lost upwards of 80 million pounds. She went on to blame the Condemn Alliance for experimenting with the UCAS system. This strategy allowed unlimited recruitment of undergraduates with A-level grades of AAB or above. However, too few students attained these grades.
VC Woodley issued a brief statement:
‘The Russell group Universities have demonstrated their arrogant incompetence. They were incapable of responding deftly to new circumstances, new market demands. The old universities – Cambridge, Oxford, Durham…one or two others – are clothed in the robes of tradition. I went to Cambridge, I have sipped sherry from its dank cellars. It is an old country house barely able to sustain its rotting beams, a rotting reputation it has rented out to Merchant Capital through bond issues. The others, Southampton for example, are parvenu royalty. Imitation is the modus operandi of the parvenu. Students have seen through the imitation. They know that the suit worn by the parvenu is a shell suit, that it has neither the experience of tradition, nor the vitality of the new. Its glossy sheen hides a dirty truth. Weeengland, is an exemplar of the new. Yes, we did suffer recruitment problems, but we have responded rapidly to new market conditions. We outsourced all services, we cut back redundant courses and redundant lecturing staff. We work closely with the private sector, notably Capital A and ARMSCORP, and we give students job training as integral to their degree. We are the University of the future.”
Woodley went on to say: “Vince Cable, the business secretary described his AAB strategy as an “experimental” attempt to free up “Stalinist” controls on undergraduate numbers. I applaud Vince Cable’s commitment to the free market, his willingness to introduce completely mad policies in pursuit of debt reduction. Let’s ignore the fact that his reforms will cost more in the long-term. Let’s ignore the fact that he has doubled the day-to-day bureaucracy academics have to deal with. Let’s ignore the fact that fewer so-called disadvantaged students have accessed HE. Let us ignore these truths, let us respect his intentions, let us celebrate the stupidity bred by Cambridge economists. You know Vince graduated from Cambridge, in economics. He was President of the Cambridge Union in 1965, the same year I was a fresher. Vince and his cabinet mates sat in class together, were taught by the same Profs, shagged the same people. Many of them were recruited by the Stalinists as spies…but let’s forget that. Vince is a good man, an honest man, a trustworthy man, and his incompetence is no reason to condemn him.”
Woodley refused to comment on allegations about his private life, other than to say: “Like Vince I am an honest man, a Cambridge graduate, a man in the full flowering of life ready to take whatever opportunities the market presents.” Cable was heard to utter expletives when confronted with Woodley’s words.