Excerpt from Week 1 of Institutional Review of the University of Weeengland
(leaked to the New Times, source unknown, UWAC suspected)
Professor Sir James McMurty: “Welcome to this, the first day of evidence to the Government appointed institutional review of the University of Weeengland. The members of the panel are Dame Josephine Margolis (previously a Registrar at Oxford University), Mr Graham Pennington (Vice-President of the Learning and Teaching Council), Bill Huntingdon (CEO of Capital Academicians), Nadine Goodenough, (Liberal Democrat MP, and coalition spokesperson on University funding) and myself Sir James McMurty, Professor of the Social History of Iron Age Villages in Lancashire.)
This review is an opportunity to evaluate University provision in Britain today. If I can begin by… (no, no thank you, would you mind serving the tea when we request it, thank you. Yes. What was your name? Aaah, Sam, where are you from Sam? Working for Capital A, immigrant, yes. Yes, good to see you have useful employment. Very good, an appropriate contribution to the UK economy, don’t forgot to make certain the teapot is hot before adding water)… If I can begin by explaining our remit. The Minister for HE, Milley Willey, has tasked us with investigating four issues:
- Allegations of corrupt appointment’s procedures. VC Woodley (good to see you again David, a long time since we broke those windows at Cambridge, yes, happier days) and other Senior Managers allegedly promoted colleagues with whom they were having sex…hard to believe seeing the state of you Dave…in particular it is claimed that you, Vice Chancellor Woodley, promoted Roberta Rainsford because of your personal relationship with her;
- Claims that the Senior Management Team have mismanaged the University, recruiting too few students, systematically misspending the capital you do have, and leaving the University on the verge of bankruptcy;
- Allegations that the SMT benefited from the privatisation of services, and that preferential research contracts in the field of defence were awarded to ARMSCORP. We will be investigating the finances of the Vice Chancellor, the Director of Business Affairs, of Professor Roberta Rainsford and of a number of junior managers;
- Last, we are tasked with investigating the terrorist threat from anarchists in our Universities. The University of Weeengland Anarchist Collective (UWAC) is indicative of this new front in the war on terror.
Our first witness is VC Woodley. Evidence presented today is not for public consumption. Premature judgment may endanger the future of this great ex-technical college, ex poly, and now University. Unfortunately we may need to decamp at any point. The anarchists have sown their poison everywhere. VC Woodley, Dave, let’s begin. Nadine Goodenough will ask the first questions.
Nadine Goodenough: Professor Woodley as impressive in the flesh as your reputation in the press! What do you think about women, Professor Woodley?
VC: What? Nadine, I’m not sure I follow you. Gorgeous dress by the way, that lace trim really suits…
NG: A simple question, Professor. What do you think of women?
VC: Well Nadine, I have had many years of experience with the fairer sex. But really your question is…how should I put this…well it is stupid. I mean there are over 3 billion women in the world and I don’t know what I think of all of them…a joy to imagine though Nadine, a joy.
NG: So women are stupid, but you can imagine getting to know them…how precisely do you get to know women, Professor Woodley?
VC: Is that an epistemological question Nadine, an exploration of my research methods? Well, Nadine, some women are stupid. Ridiculous questions. I respect the opposite sex absolutely, and my personal relationships with the women I know, well that is my business. I will certainly not betray these intimacies to a second-rate Dame like yourself. Did you buy that title, or did you simply slide up and down a greasy pole?
NG: You are a truly offensive specimen of manhood Professor Woodley. Let’s get to the nub of the issue. Is this a photograph of Professor Roberta Rainsford riding you, with a whip in her hand?
VC: It is called a knout, Nadine, a knout. Where were you educated? London Met?
NG: So that is you?
VC: Of course it is me Nadine. Even an idiot with a London Met cultural studies degree could tell you that. However, it is photo-shopped. It is, and it is not, me. Those bodies, they do not belong to either Roberta or I.
NG: So you do know what Professor Rainsford’s body looks like? Apologies, let’s leave the photographs. Are you sexually involved with Professor Rainsford?
VC: That is a private affair. I can neither confirm nor deny such foul rumours. Come on Jim, we are all adults here. Roberta is a family friend, an excellent academic. As for her body, of course I have seen it. She swims in our heated pool, often. Roberta raised millions of pounds completing research into consumer preferences, with TESCOs. If she enjoys the odd knout, well that’s her right is it not?
NG: You have sat on four appointments panel which promoted Professor Rainsford. Given your shared knowledge of the knout was that appropriate behaviour?
VC: Jim, I will not answer any more questions from this woman. Dame Nadine obviously dislikes me. I have always respected and loved womankind, but there are exceptions to every rule…please would you shut her up?
Sir James McMurty: David, I am sorry. That is impossible. She was appointed to the panel (against my advice) and you are obliged to answer these questions. So, might we proceed? Nadine, would you limit yourself to asking direct questions related to our inquiry. David’s views on women are not the object of our discussion. Let’s get back to the appointments procedure. David could I remind you that you are speaking under oath. I have the authority to recommend prosecution should you fail to answer questions honestly.
NG: Are you, or have you ever been, sexually involved with Professor Roberta Rainsford?
NG: Did you have sex with Professor Rainsford during a lunch break while interviewing her for the post of Head of the CRAP Faculty?
NG: Did her pleasuring of you with the knout influence the decision you made when appointing her as Head of CRAP?
NG: Were you aware of the fact that your Business Director is alleged to have…
Transcript breaks off here. The New Times will continue to publish any material it comes by.