Weeengland apology: Cambridge University is not a 20 inch Cock. Gillies is.

The Director of Business Services at the University of Weeengland today issued an abject apology after comparing Cambridge University to a 20 inch cock. However, in typically combative mood, the Director described Cambridge as a failing medieval institution, structured like a Baronial estate, and certain to fall foul of the advancing march of market forces.

The Director expressed his sympathy for Malcolm Gillies the Vice-Chancellor of London Met. Gillies was, he claimed, a Pinochet like figure, determined to destroy the antiquated feudal structure of UK Higher Education, and to rebuild it from the smouldering ashes. Ironically the UK Borders agency has destroyed that ambition.  London Met today announced that it will not outsource its services, as the market does not think there is sufficient profit to be made from an institution with such a foul reputation. Gillies, however, remains committed to a brutal cost cutting exercise which the Director commended.  He went on to say:

‘The London Met debacle presents us with a golden egg , a chance to steal the baton Gillies has dropped. At Weeengland we have a successful model for outsourcing services, developed with our partner Capital A. This can now be rolled out as a unique one size fits all cut services increase profit product, which guides institutions as they exploit staff more efficiently. Weeengland is a model for the future: slim, long-legged, with a short-term shelf life perfect for asset stripping capital markets. It is simple:

  • we raise capital on the bond markets to pay for old debts;
  • we mortgage out and sell off our real estate;
  • we deliver outsourced teaching though online resources;
  • we centralise all services into one efficient and streamlined company such as Capital A;
  •  and we pay students to fill out NSS surveys in December.

We are also considering cutting the academic staff base. The most efficient way to do this is to record all lectures for all courses in one academic year. These can then be delivered, year on year, online. We can outsource all assessment, and fire lecturing staff who have no other means of raising capital. Malcolm, I know that you have suffered personal setbacks, but Weeengland can deliver the efficient model you tried so hard to implement at London Met. When they say fight back, we say CUT BACK.’

The Director went on to argue that this model provides an exciting opportunity for students. At present students gain credits working for Capital A, a key aspect of the Weeengland curriculum. In future if other Universities purchase our ‘Cut Your Costs NOW Services Product’ students can service other universities in the UK, and could even gain work experience in Israel, South Africa, or France. This novel approach will revolutionise higher education, he argued.

The Director spoke, last, about the Institutional Review of Weeengland beginning this week. He argued that the minister for HE, Milly Willy, is a clever man but not an intelligent man. The Minister has targeted an institution at the forefront of higher education provision and reform from which he should learn. He said:

‘I know that they will begin by investigating promotions procedures, and claims of sex for favours. I have not had sex with any member of the senior management team.’ (the apparent revolt was obvious in his face while he said this.) ‘I worked for many years as a successful junior lecturer in Physics. I then worked for Capital A as a Higher Education consultant, gaining important experience in the real world. I am who I am (as Gloria Gaynor once sang) because of who I am. I do not know what Vice Chancellor Woodley does with his spare time. The photographs of him and Roberta Rainsford are disgusting. However, if they are doctored  then the culprits must be found. In another age we would have castrated them, but we live in a more forgiving age. Destroying the reputation of a great man, a great leader of men, is a crime which deserves the harshest treatment.  Prof Woodley’s evidence will, I am certain, clarify this matter. He is the first witness and I will watch this with bated breath. If, perchance, Prof Woodley is forced to leave, the University will need a man of vision, a man prepared  to step into  the breach vacated by Woodley.’ He hastened to add that this did not mean Roberta Rainsford! ‘I am that man. I am my own special creation.’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj8C43r4zm0.)’

 

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