Yesterday the University of Cambridge announced a bond issue worth £350 million (http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=26&storycode=421531&c=1) to finance a new housing and research development. The University was awarded triple AAA status on the bond markets, higher that the status of the UK government. In an apparent fit of pique the Head of Business Development at Weeengland today made this announcement:
‘Cambridge University acts like a 20 inch cock on the bond markets. The issue of a £350 million bond is madness. Any sane University knows that this is a disaster waiting to explode and become flaccid. The bond markets have consistently made the wrong predictions, and the wrong investments in the wrong institutions. Cambridge University is living on its reputation, but that is all. It can no longer claim to be a leading British University. It is like a dying member of the aristocracy, living in a castle which looks beautiful from the outside, but which inside is a decrepit pit occupied by rats engaged in incest. The erection of these new buildings will be the graveyard and denouement of its rise to the top. This bond issue follows years of Private Finance Initiatives which mean that Cambridge University no longer owns itself. Cambridge University is a fictitious idea contracted out to academics by a variety of private investors who think that the name is worth the investment. This veil of ignorance will crack. When the property market collapses and the salesmen called academics can no longer fund the debts, young men and women will stop selling their souls to the modern Mephistopheles.
In response the University of Weeengland has issued its own bond worth £100 million. This bond issue is an investment of our future, in the present. We will use the future to service the three PFIs agreed in 2001, (which we cannot afford), and to pay staff salaries. The bond markets have awarded Weeengland a triple CCC status. This fill us with confidence. The bond markets made the worst possible errors between 2000 and 2007. Their low rating of Weeengland is an indication of just how good an investment this is. According to analysts:
“Yield hungry investors are making the bond market a welcoming place for even the lowest-rated borrowers. The average yield paid by new triple-C-rated issuers of corporate bonds in the third quarter hit 9.68%. Weengland bonds represent a fabulous investment at high rates of interest for private financiers interested in real estate which they will doubtless come to own.”
Investors can act with confidence knowing that Weeengland is a safer bet than that fetid pit Cambridge University. This bond issue creates obligations on staff to recruit and retain students. It is the morphine we at Weeengland need to stop the diarrhea and retain students. Constipation is our goal. Bond issues are our solution. Capital Academicians have agreed to take on 50 % of the bond issue, and all academics should remember that without Capital A they would no longer have a job.’
The VC of Cambridge refused to respond to these foul claims from the Weeengland management team. However a number of Cambridge academics signed a petition condemning the reckless abandon with which their hallowed ideals are being mortgaged out to an uncertain future.