Exclusive Interview with President of Weeengland Student Union Candice Weymouth

Today Education correspondent Jean Tully Interviews Weeengland SU President Candice Weymouth

Candice, thank you so much for taking time out from your busy schedule.  You are about to embark on a round the world trip promoting Weeengland?

Yes Jean. I am soooo excited. Prof Woodley is a VC with vision, a man for the moment during troubled times.

Although he is being investigated for corruption, for abuse of power, for presiding over a failing institution. Some view him as an updated Jimmy Saville, skillfully manipulating the powers of office to exploit women, and to secure the grace and favours of business?

Those allegations do him, and the women he works with, a great injustice. I’ve only known Prof for the past six months, and in that time he has increased our budget, raised the pay of executive officers, and has put the SU at the centre of University life. Oh, he is a bit of a fuddy duddy, and he does have wandering hand syndrome, but then he was born in the 50s you know. Almost a dinosaur. He’s very modern because he realises that if you make services cheaper, you can give more money to important things, like student life.

Well, let’s turn to student life. You are a Student Union President committed to maximizing pleasure, or so I have heard….

Yes. The National Union of Students is run by a bunch of labour hypocrites. They think they are political, changing the world and all that, but actually they are training for power. I mean look at that suited ape Aaron Porter. He’s charging £125 an hour to advise Universities on the challenges they face. In fact I heard that he has been advising Weeengland…you should check that out. They say one thing but in fact the NUS is devoted to money and pleasure. Just look at the website. The truth is we live at the end of times. The world is coming to an end…environmental catastrophe, war all over the place, meteors about to hit the earth, nuclear threats from Iran, the ice cap melting…and even if we solve all those problems you and I will die. So enjoy life That’s what every student union must devote itself to. Prof Woodley and I disagree about that. He thinks that the University is here to train people for work. I think that we are here to remind people of their mortality, to remind them that there is a solution: enjoy yourself its later than you think. When you get to those final moments you will want to remember the great sex, the drug fuelled parties…That’s the only point of work: earn money to spend on the good things.

What has Weeengland SU done to make that possible?

Oh so many things Jean! In my six months we have:

  • invested a large part of our budget in Capital A nightclub, subsidising drinks, entrance fees and DJs. The SU is now a part owner of the club;
  • introduced a two-week freshers’ fair. We have given stalls to local businesses, (for a small price of course) in particular those devoted to pleasing students….Anne Summers, Tesco, Barclay’s Bank, Go Kart Express, the Masters of Fox Hounds Association, Amateur Dramatics England, Collagen Implants Express UK, Pizza Express…the list goes on and on;
  • we set up a data bank of the best essays. In fact any interested student should contact our VP for Academic Affairs. He will pay you eight pounds for every essay which achieved over 60%, and we sell them on to students as examples of best practice. This saves  huge amounts of time because good essays get to the important bits of questions immediately. You don’t have to hunt through Thomas bloody Hobbes’ Leviathan for hours, just to learn that humans are desiring creatures, never satisfied, always craving after the next fix. I mean I could have told you that without that old English shite! My essay sells like wildfire!;
  • we issue all students with seven condoms each. As long as there are only two people involved that should suffice for two weeks of freshers’ pleasure. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes so students can exercise their choice in terms of size, taste, texture, ribbing, colour and thickness. This is central to our sexual health campaign the slogan of which is: ‘Join the Safety Shag-fest (JOSSEF). We also offer free downloads of ‘The Joy of Sex‘. It might be old but I learned so much;
  • we have organised a ‘spot the townie’ evening pub cruise. Our aim is to integrate town and gown more than at present. Students go out and shout ‘Townie’ very loudly whenever they spot someone not from the university. If they are wrong (and the person in fact works at Weeengland) they pay for the round. We do it in groups of ten. It is weird because most townies run away when this happens. At least we are trying. It is time these plebs realised that students are humans too;
  •  we organised the boar-hunting trip to Tunisia which the anarchists destroyed. There were 6341 students glued to STUDENTWEB waiting for the broadcast and then these scary terrorists appear, threatening all sorts of things. As a students’ union our duty is to protect everyone against terrorism. To that end we are working closely with Armscorp, with the senior managers, and with Capital A to prevent further attacks on time. Look I hate timetables too. Its only when the things most precious are attacked that you realise how valuable they are. I encourage all students to stick to the timetable and to party!
  • and last, in direct competition with Capital A which makes students work for academic credits I have set up links with sperm and egg donor banks, as well as with medical trials companies. Students can earn fast, fresh and easy money if they just click on this website: http://www.weeengland.ac.uk/wewillbuyyourbodyparts.

Candice, let me get this clear. In your view the SU is there to encourage pleasure, to respect the timetable, and to encourage the sale of body parts? Aren’t you upset by the introduction of fees of £9000?

Yeah, that is a bit shit isn’t it? I’m not paying but I feel sorry for all those first years. Look I am against what the government is doing, you know the cuts and that; but do those toe rags have to occupy University buildings? We should work with the University, not against it, after all VC Woodley is hardly David Cameron, with his fat chubby cheeks, is he? Causing  disruption to any student’s education is unacceptable. By occupying  lecture theatres you are preventing students from learning what they have already paid for. Unless the police clear out the occupiers other students should insist on refunds from the University. That’s damaged goods isn’t it?  Students want to live the good life and get what they paid for, not to negotiate their way around sleeping, smelly anarchists!

Apparently the Head of CRAP, Professor Roberta Rainsford, slipped on a used condom left in a passageway by one of the occupiers, last year. She threatened to sue the SU because the condom was stamped: ‘Pleasure Courtesy of Weeengland SU.’ Do you approve of free condoms being used in this way?

Jean, safe sex is good sex. The last thing I  want is for the occupiers to reproduce. The thing is they don’t consider the health and safety of normal people. I was really sorry to hear about Roberta’s twisted ankle, but we do add a disclaimer to all condoms noting that the SU cannot be held responsible for any mishaps (including STDs) that may result from the incorrect use of free Weeengland condoms.

Did you know that your condoms are not safe? The factory where they are produced, in Guatemala, refused worker’s demands for a pay raise. The workers are putting pin pricks in to 1 out of every 1000 condoms. The owners don’t know what to do. Perhaps you should stop buying condoms from Stand Up Straight, the distributor. Shouldn’t you be concerned to promote the rights of those who produce your pleasure?

Idiots who put pin pricks in condoms should be locked up. That is a real damper on your pleasure. It happened at Cambridge a few years ago you know – I’ll send you the link to publish with this article. People like that…they have no respect for human life, really! (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1233133/HIV-pregnancy-alert-Cambridge-University-condoms-pierced-given-students.html)

Finally Candice, has your education been worth it?

My education was brilliant! I had such a good time, and I passed as well. I learned all about life on my course, the different ways to live it, the stupid choices we make because we think we are acting ethically. I learned to enjoy life while I can. Soon I will travel the world teaching other students what Weengland can offer, as long as Milley Willey does not close the University down! I also learned how to spend. God the shopping is so good when the grant arrives, especially if mum and dad can bail you out!

Candice Weymouth, President of the SU at Weeengland, thank you for sharing your life with Jean Tully, Education Correspondent for the New Times.

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