Staff Responses to Student Emails

Dear Tomos,

I am not one of your parents. Find your own bloody timetable, pleb!

Yours, Roberta Rainsford, Professor of Retail Integration and Head of Faculty of CRAP



You are a year 3 student now. If you do not understand my groundbreaking work on the relationship between astrological prediction and particle physics then you should not be a student of this hallowed institution. May I suggest that you do a more boring and less academically adventurous course, perhaps one with Professor Crankerley about the boring search for Higgs Boson.

Dr Dave Hackney, Most Quoted Physicist in Britain, Manager of UWEEE’s Rapid Response Unit


Dear Simona ‘Beyonce’ Chugglewhit,

How refreshing to receive an email from a student who opposes the appalling fees regime. Like you I think that no student should pay £9000 for a degree. Education is more valuable than mere money. I would encourage you to participate in the student movement against fees. Personally I do not care if you occupy the Physics labs and burn down the office of Dave Hackney, the charlatan down the corridor. Do come and talk about strategy if you have the time.

Professor Owen Crankerley, Head of Physics

(By the way I think you meant to send your email to the Head of Philosophy Alex Witherspoon. My suggestion is that you send it instead to the Professor of Moral Philosophy, Josie Wiles. She is more receptive to these views than the sell out who heads up your department. )



I am a Professor, and a Head of Department. Please do not call me dude. I know you are paying £9000 but that is not license to disrespect my status and authority. Danny, you are now a student and if you cannot sort out your own accommodation that is, to be frank, your problem!

Alex Witherspoon, Head of Philosophy, Manager of VC’s Rapid Response Unit



Thank you for taking my lecture so seriously. Guilt is an important step on the path out of moral complacency. All I would ask you to consider is that pleasure is not an end in itself. Let’s talk about this over a pint.

Josie Wiles



Please enter a formal complaint about Dave Hackney. I know that there is a problem and I promise to protect you against any power he may exert. With your help we can rid the institution of this plague of quotations.

Professor Owen Crankerley


Dear Martin,

We need to talk. Threatening to kill someone is an inappropriate response to the disaster that is Student Finance England. I know that you are struggling but let’s try to direct that anger into resolving the issue. Can you make a meeting in my therapy room tomorrow afternoon at 5?

Neicola Heymount, Student Services



Martial Bourdain is my hero too!! Keep me informed. i hate time. i hate order. i love creative destruction. can i kill a clock on your behalf?
this email address is anonymous just in case you are really the police but i will pick up responses.



Dear Candice,

VC Woodley here. I must apologise for any apparent impropriety during our last meeting. Those stockings were incredible and I wondered what my wife would look like in them. I did not mean to ladder them from your thigh all the way down to your knee. I think a round the world trip by the Students’ Union President, speaking to potential recruits, is an excellent idea. Send me the details and I will run it by the SMT.

VC Woodley.



CAPITAL A you are the most awesome nightclub on the planet!! Pity about my philosophy lectures. See you tonight!


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