Year 1, Week 1, Student Emails

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have lost my timetable. I am in Physics 101. Please email it to me immediately otherwise I cannot attend any classes.

Tomos Summers

Dr Hackney,

I know you are famous because people quote you so much but I have to say your article makes no sense and I cannot understand why anyone would quote from it? Did you pay someone?

Simon Cheadle, year 3, Theoretical Physics

Dear Alex Witherspoon, Head of Philosophy

I am paying £9000 to do a degree with you. You are delivering 6 hours of actual contact per week, for 22 weeks of the teaching year. I did an A level in maths. I am paying £68 per hour to learn about business ethics. Where is the business ethics in that?

Simona ‘Beyonce’ Chugglewhit

Hi Dude,

Its so cool to be at Uni finally. No other uni would accept me but you were so chilled I almost forgot to register. Actually, there’s no accommodation so I gotta commute from home 150 miles away in Cheadle Whitney. Can my timetable be on two days? Otherwise I have to leave.


Ok Professor Josie Wiles. I agree. The world is corrupt. The human condition is a mistake between nothingnesses (if that even makes sense?) The way we live is not ethical. But why should I feel guilty for wanting to have a good time? I’ve only got one life and you act as if I can change people now? ENJOY! That’s the only injunction I believe in. Your categorical imperative rubbish…I mean really Professor Wiles I can give you a whip for self-flagellation if you want…just give us a break. A bit of Bentham perhaps?

Dionysus Kanterelis, year 1

Dear Professor Crankerley,

I had my first seminar with Dave Hackney today. Sir, I know you are Head of Department so I am sending this to you. I was really confused in the seminar. I’m not certain what Dr Hackney was talking about, and he did not allow anyone else to talk. I thought that seminars were for discussion but Dr Hackney had a discussion with himself. I’m sure this was a mistake, because I came to uni to participate in discussion, not to be shouted at.
Melissa, Year 1.


To Nicola Heymount, Student Services

Nicola, thank you for phoning Student Finance England on my behalf yesterday. Today I had a reply: they have lost all of my documentation and want me to start the application process again. I have no money. I cannot pay my rent. I have no food. Please help me. I am going to kill someone.

Martin Wenley


Dear VC Woodley,

Please forgive me for sending this email  but you did give me your private email address. I appreciate all the support you have offered to me and to the students’ union. However you appeared to make an inappropriate pass at me during our negotiation of your support for the freshers’ week fair. It is probably my mistake, as I know you to be a man of honour and commitment. I am in a committed relationship with Fernley Whittingstable, captain of the Weeengland rugby team. you are an extremely attractive older man VC Woodley, but I do have morals. I am sure that I have misinterpreted your motives, but this is not the sort of information that you would wish Jean Tully at the New Times to get hold of. I think that it would be a good idea for the President of the Student’s union to visit some international destinations to promote our wonderful institution. What to do you think, Prof Woodley?

Candice, President of Students’ Union, UWEEE

Dear Students

We are UWAC, the University of Weeengland Anarchist collective. Our hero is Martial Bourdin. He attacked time. Join us in our struggle against the tyranny of GMT, the tyranny of knowledge, the tyranny of State, Union, Business oppression. We intend to occupy, soon. Email for further updates.

Martial Bourdin the Second

“The time has come. To say fairs fair. To pay the rent. To pay our share. The time has come. A facts a fact …” Fuck that Students!! Join the party at the Capital Academicians Nightclub through the night.
Free Entry for Women! One drink on the house with this secret passcode: CAISBEST. Check you out there!

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