‘Welcome to this live broadcast of the first Tunisian Boar Hunting lottery, on “Weeengland StaffWeb”. I am VC Woodley! Lotteries are the perfect expression of democracy in action. Here you will witness the people of Weeengland speak. Roberta Rainsford – Professor of Retail Integration and Head of the Faculty of Creative and Applied Practices (CRAP) – will pick tickets at random. Thank you to our sponsors, and partners, ARMSCORP. They work with the Departments of Product Design, of Engineering and of Physics to develop weapons which kill efficiently and cheaply. We at UWEEE are proud of this longstanding partnership which drives down the cost of war! Lottery winners will test the NAAP51 machine gun, shooting wild boar in the Croumerie Mountains of Tunisia. Four students will join you, along with our gorgeous Student Union President, Candice Weymouth.I am jealous already!
This lottery showcases our close ties to glocal business and the benefits of outsourcing work to the private sector. Staff have rejected the boycott of this event by the Catholic Communion, the Islamic Society, the UCU and UWAC. I am a man of the enlightenment and lotteries express the freedom of an enlightened people. We academics are no exception! These religious and political bigots are a vocal but irritating minority. Ignore them. In lotteries the silent majority demand boar-hunting trips in the Croumerie Mountains! Roberta, would you hand me the first lucky ticket…thank you my…the first lucky winner is…shit, Roberta, no, this can’t be right…live….what oh yes I am…is:
PROFESSOR JOSIE WILES of the Philosophy Department. Well that is a surprise but Josie Wiles, my biggest critic, it is you!! Congratulations. Josie, you will be shooting wild boar in Tunisia using the new NAAP rifle. Josie, enemy of everything I say and do, die-hard socialist anarchist, committed to face to face learning, has won! Roberta, I am in shock but that is the democracy of the lot!
Today I have three important announcements. First, Capital Academicians, to whom I outsourced all service provision during the summer, have developed an exclusive smart tablet FREE for Weeengland students. The device includes access to every book, every article, every course outline in fact anything needed by the student. We at Weeengland are committed to fast learning and to the effective transmission of information. Today I announce the death of the Book: welcome to the Weeengland IFAD! Look at its sleek, elegant curves. Yes, I know Roberta, I do feel like Steve Jobs…it leaves a moist feeling in one’s crotch. Weeengland relentlessly extends the shores of learning. This IFAD is the business! Now, let’s select the second ticket. Roberta, my demure assistant, would you pass over the second ticket…The next lucky member of staff is…
CHRISTINA TOWLEY, Senior Administrator in Physics. Well Christina what a fantastic opportuni….what was that Roberta….redundant, last day of work on Friday…oh Jesus, what was her ticket doing there….no not sure if we can withdraw…not a member of staff…cheating…Well I must apologise. Christina no longer works at Weeengland. We will refund her the cost of the ticket, but let’s see…thanks Roberta…yes, better, an excellent choice:
DAVE HACKNEY! This is just reward for your groundbreaking work in physics Dave. You will join Josie Wiles in Tunisia. Phew, a pity about Christina. I am sure she has found a far more rewarding career elsewhere. Now, let’s move on to my second announcement. Staff, I am very pleased to introduce a new post: Immigration czar. We at Weeengland maintain the best practice checks on potential threats to UK national security, from foreign students. We benefited when London Met violated UK national law allowing terrorists on to their courses. Our new czar will develop smart technologies to help Universities as they implement UK Border Agency diktats. The Senior Management Team have approved seed funding, and allocated space in one of our business incubators, for this project titled “BASTARD” that is Border Agency Statistical Regression Dynamo. BASTARD software will be sold to all UK Universities. Now, Roberta, draw two tickets this time round…Yes, here they are, first…no Roberta, how…oh, yes, well lotteries are random after all, the winner is:
REBECCA HALSTEAD, Head of the UCU at Weengland. What a shock! I could do with a wee dram…ha! My two greatest critics will be joining us on this trip to kill boar….(must make sure to stay away from their guns)…and the next winner is, better, far more appropriate…it is:
PROFESSOR GREGORY HALDEN, recently appointed Head of Registry! Fantastic news for Gregory. A pity about the company he will keep! Let’s move on to my last announcement: this concerns our core activity, Learning and Teaching. Henceforth, all academic staff will be enrolled on our learning and teaching annual themed course. This updates staff while uploading new techniques in blended learning and teaching. The seminar series, directed by Adam Smithe, Professor of Blended Learning, will repeat every day of the academic year. The series includes this extraordinary session aimed at developing key transferable skills in your personal relationships:
Developing student research skills by erecting curriculum, learning, teaching and assessment tools
Developing students’ research skills is a key to learning and co-production of knowledge. Successful research skill encourage students’ to greater confidence in approaching potential sexual partners. This is fundamental to future research, learning and practice in work, and is a key transferable skill for a successful married life. This involves producing:
· enquiring, enterprising, creative, independent, systematic approaches to questions, issues, and work while completing, fetishized, well-presented research informed projects of ten inches, wide scope and complexity, and to
· developing students as enquiring learners, researchers and Sufis from first year onwards. This is a contractual requirement and Adam Smithe will report on attendance and participation.
Now, which member of staff will win the last of our tickets? Roberta, well that is extraordinary…
ADAM SMITHE himself. Adam, Professor of Blended Learning, will enjoy the privilege of shooting wild boar with our resident socialist dictators Josie Wiles and Rebecca Halstead. That is the democracy of lotto! Two staff who should be redundant will join this exclusive hunting trip with ARMSCORP. Join me, your VC, on Friday for the student draw.
Weeenglander, march forward. We have much to complete.