Recent reports in the media (channel 4, the Guardian, the Sun) suggest that preeminent employers use software to scan CVs for key words. The VC‘s rapid response unit has identified these key words, and aims to insert them into all student CVs. Our task is to build Weeengland graduates fit for purpose.
The Rapid Response Unit is led by three eminent academics:
- Dr Dave Hackney is the most quoted physicist in the United Kingdom;
- Professor Alex Witherspoon, Head of Philosophy, leads the innovative student workplace programme with Capital Academicians; and
- Dr Andy Wiles, “trained in the art of making the unlikely profitable, and the probable a certainty” is Head Impact Statistician at Capital Academicians.
Andy has produced a unique Weeengland software programme. Departments may procure this programme for £499 and license it for all registered students. The software will:
- standardise CVs by ironing out any kinky features;
- insert appropriate language to describe the applicant including: flexible, dependable, honest, imaginative, innovative and motivated;
- describe achievements using stand out words including: competitive, self-directed, budgetary experience, won, undefeated;
- eliminate negative words such as: 2:2 in collaboration, supervised by, mistake, problem. These words indicate stupidity.
In writing this software Andy has drawn on the extraordinary research of developmental psychologists, epitomised by that of Karen Pine. Karen’s years of research has demonstrated that, in her words: “Every recruiter will have to assess hundreds if not thousands of personal statements from hopeful applicants and will make their decisions based on what they can see on paper. Choosing the right words is vitally important if your application is to stand out from the rest.” Developmental Psychology teaches us to press the right buttons. It plays on unconscious evolutionary instincts to press employers into interviewing your students.
The RRU will be rolling out this software across the University. We encourage all departments to dip into their budgets allowing students to take advantage of this revolutionary attempt to rig the employment market.
Email enquiries to A.firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org.
(These staff will also assist with any queries about increasing your research impact, especially the unique “Date a REF panel member.” Andy’s own research demonstrates a direct statistical correlation between having sex with an REF member and improved research rating. We provide this unique service for single, married, gay and lesbian, sado-masochistic and other customers (as an equal opportunities employer Weeengland does not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation.) During the academic year to come we will be a constant presence in the life of the University, responding to market demand, media coverage, government policy shifts and consumer need.)
The weeengland musketeers, Dave, Andy and Alex