The Vice-Chancellor`s welcome to the Faculty of Creative and Applied Practices (CRAP), 2012
(Sarah please edit this draft. Don’t worry about the asides. I will delete them)
A very warm welcome to the University of Weeengland. Our mission is to be the University of enterprise in England. We work closely with local and global businesses such as Capital Academicians and ARMSCORP. We transform lives through education, world-class innovation (and patenting) and competition. Our workplace informed curriculum embeds employability skills throughout your impactful journey to knowledge. We produce highly employable graduate with an impressive skills base. Thousands of you will undertake work experience with Capital Academicians this year. The CEO Bill Huntingdon has written to each of you personally detailing how your contribution to cleaning, preparing food, delivering post, security and academic administration may boost your CV thus making you more attractive to future employers. Volunteer soon: there are limited places available for the very best of you.
Weeengland is a university built on impact. We embrace our leadership role in the city, region, nation and globe. We are recognised as an engine of transformation as far afield as the Croumerie mountains in Tunisia. There I personally tested the impact of our research when shooting wild boar. We are committed to working through partnership in delivering in the missionary position. The Head of this Faculty of Creative and Applied Practices (CRAP) (Professor Rainsford) rarely takes her eye of the ball. I know this from personal experience. Weeengland is an award-winning leader in knowledge transfer which inspires hundreds of businesses to enhanced innovation. We house two incubation centres on campus. Here business ideas ferment before being born as spin-out companies. Our companies reap the profitable crops sown by academic experts.
We are recognised as a university of first choice for students. Our brand spanking new, state-of-the-art facilities across all our campuses and our enhanced learning environment reflect our forward-thinking outlook, stimulating the student learning and missionary experience. The publication of the National Student Survey 2012 shows that we are making real progress. Our overall satisfaction has increased six percentage points, almost erect, but we have more to do. Our teaching satisfaction remains below the sector average and requires another injection of viagra, (or the new substitute drug Innovative Enhancement developed in Weeengland’s own incubator.) I can confide that Innovative Enhancement definitely works. During the summer recess I took some, and immediately culled 20% of academic staff, targeting those who cannot teach. I have, with decisive and invigorating action, enhanced the quality of classroom teaching. Innovative Enahancement has taught me to eliminate poor practice wherever it is found. When you rate a member of staff between 1 and 5 I will carry out your wishes with priapic ardor. I will finish the cull, further enhancing your embedded learning experience. You may as well find out what the workplace is really like, now. Who says academics cannot deliver impact!?
Here at Weeengland we have no space for those who refuse to embed blended learning into the curriculum. We utilise the most advanced forms of patchwork writing, mobile communication contexts and user friendly learning apps. We have much to be proud of: our NSS progress, our achievement of the Investors in People Gold standard, the rising quality of our students and our partnerships with business. It is unfortunate that certain members of staff stand in the way of progress. Professor Josie Wiles will seduce you with her trumped up radicalism, her condemnation of the NSS, and her condemnation of me in public lectures. As a man of learning I respect free speech, respect her right to free speech but, new student of Weeengland, we are in the middle of a war against terrorist anarchists. They seek to destroy your education. They say that there is nothing for you to learn here, that you could not learn for yourself. Why I ask you, are you paying £9000? You are investing in yourself and entrusting yourself to our guidance. With the precision of heat guided missiles our staff will improve your employability statistics. I would never suggest that Professor Wiles in philosophy, or Dr Owen Crankerly, Head of the Department of Physics, are terrorists. Never. I am here to praise them not to bury them, after their many years of service at Weeengland. However, the good that men do must remain in the past and if it is not updated it becomes an evil in the present, one we must redress. These staff are subversives, fostering a sense of unease, upsetting apple carts, condemning where they should praise. Abide by me, not with them.
New Weeenglander, I charge you to adopt the missionary position: work hard (in your placement with Capital A), play hard spending money to support the local economy (I would suggest that you attend the Capital A Nightclub, and the Weeengland Bar), learn the transferable skills embedded in blended learning and please remember: do not drop out. We cannot afford to lose you, the brightest, the best, investors in people (yourselves and us) beacons lighting up the future.