All University Buildings Open:
End to Terrorist Alert at University of Weeengland
Police sniffer dogs have now checked every clock on all University premises. No explosive devices were found. Police are investigating UWAC, al known associates, and any potential witnesses of UWAC activities. Police have been granted access to University buildings. Please cooperate with officers under all circumstances. If you have reason to suspect the activities of any member of staff contact the confidential hotline number at the bottom of this email. It is wrong to speculate but I am aware of the leads police are now pursuing. UWAC worship Martial Bourdain, a French Anarchist, who attempted to explode GMT at Greenwich Observatory. All members of staff who are French, who are of French origin, who teach French or who are known to sympathise with the Socialists and Anarchists now running France, will be questioned. All members of the UCU will be questioned. Police have refused to rule out Islamists acting under the guise of anarchism.
Clocks at the University of Weeengland are private property. Terrorist attacks on our clocks will be prosecuted using anti-terror legislation, and as a violation of property law. We are engaged in an unfortunate, but necessary, legal dispute with our partners Capital Academicians. Capital A claim ownership of all clocks following the contracting out of all University services to Capital A on the 31st of August. Capital A are further investigating the liability of the University of Weeengland for harm done to their employees. We must stop these scum before insurance costs endanger the financial viability of the institution. Any member of staff who passes on information resulting in the arrest of UWAC members will join me in Tunisia hunting wild boar, on a trip sponsored by our security partners ARMSCORP.[i]
On Monday a new crop of consumers arrive to purchase the best education offered in England. Our war on terror protects the profitable education of future business leaders. You are strongly advised to clean your modules of any subversive content. Academics of Weeengland, we have endured a difficult summer. On Monday we welcome those who are paying your salary. Listen to them, respect them, obey them. He who pays the piper calls the tune.
With very warmest wishes,
[i] The raffle will still go ahead on the 1st of October. This will determine who joins you on this once in a lifetime experience.