Email to all Staff from VC Woodley: Privatisation, Recruitment, Malicious Gossip

Dear Staff,

We sit on the precipice of a new era in Higher Education. Weeengland is the cutting edge of this precipice taking on all comers with the verve and anticipation of newlyweds. Many of you are unprepared for these challenges. With my guidance you can rise above any obstacle. Today I set out the radical overhaul announced on August the 15th ( Before doing so I must refute the malicious rumours concerning my personal life. For the record:

  • I am a happily married  man. A journalist from the New Times, Jean Tully, has published allegations about my relationship with the Head of Crap (Faculty of Creative and Applied Practices), Professor Roberta Rainsford. Professor Rainsford was appointed for her academic prowess, her extraordinary business acumen, her ability to get the job done. She has never, and I repeat never, engaged in fellatio with me on my office desk. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. A man of my standing should not have to refute such spurious claims. Unfortunately the Murdoch press will publish anything to sell copy. It is true that I enjoyed a hunting trip in Tunisia paid for by ARMSCORP. ARMSCORP subsequently signed a contract for the design and manufacture of coils used in the NAAP51 machine gun. This contract ensured job security for many of you. To allay any concerns ARMSCORP will sponsor a second hunting trip for five lucky members of staff. You can enter the raffle on the StaffWeb. A live staffweb broadcast of the lottery is scheduled for 10am on the 1st of October. There is nothing like the taste of wild boar in the morning. It is even better if killed by you, using a gun which you helped to design! Such primordial experiences answer that age old quandary about the meaning of life. This unique opportunity is ample demonstration of the impact that research at Weeengland is having in the business community.
  • Under my stewardship Weeengland reacts nimbly to new opportunities. This summer I turned a potential disaster into a resounding success. Unfortunately we failed to meet our undergraduate recruitment targets. Let me be blunt: a number of you failed in your jobs. You failed to recruit AAB students and you failed to recruit the average Jack and Jill who have always buttered our bread. Your failure was the catalyst I needed. I acted decisively, with a precision which the Head of CRAP has since applauded in her excellent article ‘Higher Education in the Rifle Lens: Learning from Professor Woodley.’ I fired the Head of Registry Jonathan Tyson, immediately. I fast forwarded the outsourcing of all services to Capital Academicians. (The security contract stays with a division of ARMSCORP.) I closed down two Faculties, and reorganised departmental lines of responsibility. I invited the Managing Director of our private partner Capital Academicians to rationalise administrative costs. I authorised the selling of unnecessary real estate. I increased the salaries of key staff in recognition of their extraordinary work. We are now a lean, mean University machine. I poached international students from London Met to redress our shortfall in recruitment. I will continue this relentless battle against unnecessary flab. There is now an incredible lightness about Weeengland, a lightness you will experience in your first staff meetings. Those weighty addenda to academic work (you know the ones who complain constantly; the ones who  know best but never do their work; the ones who strike the tinderbox of industrial relations; the imbeciles who resist without reason but have no reason to resist.) are on the way out. This is a work in progress. If you have suggestions please email them to me. (Thank you to those of you who have emailed practical suggestions about how best to cut staff to Roberta Rainsford. The Faculty of CRAP is now a slick slippery outfit, supple and steamy, a perfectly formed model for Higher Education provision.)
  • I am aware that there is a legal process to follow in order to finalise academic job cuts. Those who respond positively to redundancy notices will find their terms and conditions far superior to those who choose resistance. Resistance is futile. Staff who accept this package will sign a non disclosure agreement.
  • Nonetheless,Weeenglander, there are more mountains to conquer. Our security is threatened by the actions of UWAC (The University of Weeengland Anarchist Collective.) UWAC have  threatened to destroy time by attacking the centralised timetable system, and altering time on all clocks. Please check all clocks. They have threatened violence against selected staff, taking inspiration from the actions of their hero Martial Bourdin. Security operatives are monitoring the emails of all staff. Selected staff, including myself, have been allocated personal security. If you know anything about UWAC please contact the hotline number listed below. Calls cost 99 pence per minute.
  • We are also threatened by the Stalinists who run the UCU. They insist that strikes will go ahead. They are corrupting the Student’s Union into taking joint action. This is a scurrilous abuse of power by older members of staff who are seducing young and impressionable student leaders. I have advised the SU executive to block the colourful seductions of protest, and the subtle smiles of the newly appointed Chair of the UCU. The President of the Student Union – Candice Weymouth – will meet me on a weekly basis during this time of crisis. Candice and I share a commitment to the best possible educational experience. We have negotiated a round the world trip for 5 students paid for by Tescos. The SU will run a raffle during freshers’ week. I will draw tickets live on the intranet on the 5th of October. Candice will accompany the five lucky students on this three month trip during the summer break. It is my sincere hope that these sponsored raffles become a weekly event at Weeengland.
  • In closing I must congratulate two members of staff, men whose vision will inspire others. Dave Hackney took advantage of the ‘Improve your REF statistics’ package  offered by Capital Academicians. He is now the most quoted physicist in England, a remarkable achievement. He also benefited from the unique ‘Date a single REF member’ dating service. The Head of Philosophy Alex Witherspoon has reorganised the philosophy degree so that it engages with the real world of business. Students will enjoy work experience as cleaners, cooks, security guards and in certain special cases, as models. Capital A have worked closely with Alex on this project. Alex, this innovative programme is an inspiration to us all.

Weeenglander, the time has come to rid ourselves of naysayers, of long-haired, filthy occupiers, of Beatrix Potter type socialists, of anarchist bomb makers. Like you I live in this world. Together we must build Britain. Together we are the Big Society. My thanks to those of you about to become unemployed. Your sacrifice in the face of battle will never be forgotten. As always I finish with some reading advice, courtesy of Alex Witherspoon, Head of Philosophy. Richard Branson‘s fantastic text: Screw It, Let’s Do it: Lessons in Life will have you sitting on the cutting edge of the precipice that is Weeengland, and relishing the plunge.

Professor (Sir) Woodley,
Vice Chancellor

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