Department of Physics: Please keep this email private

Dear Colleagues,

We have a pre-term meeting scheduled for Monday the 29th of September. I will soon circulate a full agenda. This email does not include three members of staff.  My reasons will become obvious to those who read on. The agenda for our meeting includes:

– Personal tutee meetings scheduled for the 3oth of September. Dave Hackney, (now the most quoted physicist in Britain thanks to Capital Academicians bribery) will have no personal tutees. His students will be allocated to other staff;

Library provision: (please note that certain staff have not returned books for 18 months.) A number of module outlines have not been sent to the library. Please send these to information services officer Denise Thimblefull;

Recruitment of students from London Met: the Head of Faculty has insisted that we recruit ‘legitimate’ students from London Met. Our beloved colleague Dave Hackney recruited three PhD students last week. My view is that any University which does this should be occupied and pilloried by students and staff alike. The UCU have taken a strong line on this and in my view this Department must refuse to accept Dave Hackney’s new recruits;

Plagiarism: one of the students awarded a degree at the last exam board plagiarised his project. The project titled ‘The Size of Bayron Wriggles’ was examined at the University of Durham last June;

Freshers week: details of the physics welcome party. (Last year two younger colleagues were caught in flagrante delicto in seminar rooms with year 1 students. Let’s avoid any repetition.)

Unfortunately there are three further problems to consider:

Under-recruitment: We had a target of 221 students. We have recruited 131. VC Woodley announced a restructure whilst many of us were on research leave or holiday. Our Faculty no longer exists. We are now part of the Faculty of Creative and Applied Practices (CRAP). The Head of Faculty is Professor of Retail Integration, Roberta Rainsford. This viper has pleasured swathes of Weeengland flesh on her charge up the greasy pole. We must destroy her, by any means possible. However, under recruitment makes us vulnerable.

Staff Cuts: The Professor of Retail Integration has demanded that all departments cut staffing by  25%. This figure was agreed on the desk of VC Woodley as it ‘accords with the public sector cuts demanded by the coalition.’ Apparently their shrieks became louder and louder as the figure went up and up. The climax of the negotiation between VC Woodley and Roberta Rainsford was heard all the way down the corridor of power: ‘Fuck Physics. 40%. Yes 40% of fucking Phsyics. Oh Jesus Christ yes. 40%.’ This considered decision presents us with a major problem. We cannot deliver our degree with 40% fewer members of staff. Moreover, the bastard progeny of the VC and Roberta Rainsford is among us. David Hackney will report all we say and do. Remain polite but divulge nothing to him. Our strategy is simple: gather all the dirt you can on Rainsford, VC Woodley, the Senior management team and the traitor Hackney; refuse the offer of early retirement when it comes; threaten to go public at every turn; undermine our enemies; make allies across the University (the Professor of Moral Philosophy Josie Wiles is a friend. We will find others). I advise you to read an email sent by Professor Wiles to new philosophy students:


She sets the stakes out very well.

Refurbishment of Facilities: Our bid for a mini Hadron collider through the EPSRC did not get past the first round of bids. Our labs are under resourced, and little better than those available to A level students. Our IT facilities are out of date and have not been upgraded for seven years. The evil viper Rainsford has proposed a collaboration between TESCOs and our new partner Capital Academicians. They will upgrade facilities, providing we use the tesco symbol on all of our letterheads, in our emails, in our advertising and providing we advertise placements at the local TESCOs store to students.

We are working in strange times. We thought reason had conquered faith, violence and corruption but now we must turn to corruption, faith and violence to conquer the necromancers running Weeengland. Our allies are the anarchists, the unions, the occupiers but in the battle to come there can be only one winner. Physics is under threat. Strange times require strange bedfellows.

Head of Department, Owen Crankerly

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