Take Advantage of London Met UKBA Debacle

Confidential Memo to Admissions Tutors

This year  Weeengland recruited 455 students too few. The Vice Chancellor has, as a consequence, introduced radical restructuring of the whole institution. In response the UK Border Agency yesterday presented us with an extraordinary opportunity to poach 2000 international students from London Met. Many of them are wealthy, desperate and determined. This weekend plan your recruitment drive by asking these question:
– Have you met any PhD students at London Met? Perhaps you shared wine at a conference, perhaps they know PhD students you supervise? If so use this personal contact and offer these desperate students a way out of their plight. PhD students are gold dust: they work to their own agendas; they cost us very little; they are walking adverts for our institution in their home countries. Don’t delay. Make contact now;

– Phone staff you know at London Met. They may resent the call, but appeal to their better nature. Many will want to rescue  students from imminent deportation. Be polite, but press the advantage and exploit the emotional crises affecting employees of London Met;

– Send messages out on Twitter. Clever messages spread like wildfire. I suggest:

” Lost? Trust betrayed? Soon to be deported? We can work it out.. UKBA approved Weeengland: University of the Future” or perhaps

“London Met sucks. Join Weeengland: safe, secure open for business.”

– If you speak Chinese, Russian or Arabic tweet in that language;

– Pass this message on to all academic staff, (those you trust). Act now Weeenglander. Secure your future and ours.

Professor Gregory Halden,

Head of Registry

(Remember: check the finances of all students. In most cases a quick google check of family credentials will suffice to confirm that the student is indeed the son or daughter of a wealthy politician, businessman, or corrupt bureaucrat. Our advert will appear in all national newspapers on Monday. It will dwarf the size of that recently released by Eastwood and his gang at Birmingham.)

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