Scandal at University of Weeengland

Jean Tully, Education Correspondent for the New Times investigates allegations of corruption, sex and incompetence at University of Weeengland as Jonathan Tyson bites back.

You probably have an idealistic view of the modern University. You imagine keen students listening to extraordinary lectures delivered by the cleverest in the land. Protected from the worst consequences of the global banking crisis the University, like a medieval church, is a place of refuge where Lucifer dares not show his face. If only…In recent interviews I confronted the VC of Weeengland with:

– allegations of corrupt promotion procedures;

– talk of a culture which neglects student needs and values money before learning;

– lurid claims about the sex lives of the  senior managers, and

– claims that the VC procured undeclared ‘gifts’ from business partners. Today the source for these claims, Jonathan Tyson, reveals all. Tyson resigned last week, supposedly responsible  for the under-recruitment which left Weeengland in a financial mess. He tells a different story.

Tyson was appointed Head of Registry in 2010. In this role he attended dinner parties, barbecues, opera and other social events with the Senior Managers. Before his promotion Tyson was sexually involved with the Director of Human Resources. She chaired his appointment panel and informed Mr Tyson of his promotion in room 414 of Senate House, while engaged in fellatio. Mr Tyson acknowledges his own role in corrupt appointment’s procedures, but insists that his story is by no means unique. The rot starts at the top.  Vice Chancellor, Professor Woodley, first had sex with the newly appointed Head of CRAP, Roberta Rainsford, when she was a PhD student eleven years ago. Woodley used his personal power to ensure her rapid promotion. She helped him to relax during wild lunch time sessions in his office. They were often seen drinking together in the Booty’s Bounty, before Woodley became VC. Tyson claims that the four other members of the Senior Management team have used sex as a negotiating tool during promotion’s procedures. The stories he tells are too crass to publish here, but if true point to a culture redolent of a Jesuit monastery in the Republic of Ireland. Vice Chancellor Woodley denied any wrongdoing saying only: “Tyson is criminally insane. Roberta Rainsford is a talented individual whose promotions reflect the sizable nature of her best assets.” Mr Tyson accepted this description. Rainsford was last photographed in the lap of an unidentified man, talking loudly about his ref statistics. The reporter could not confirm if the man was a premier league football referee.

Tyson’s story is about more than mere sex. The stench of corruption touches all aspects of life at Weeengland. Tyson identifies numerous instances of outsourcing and procurement procedures designed to privilege one bid over others:

– Consultants from Capital Academicians designed the contracts, for which they were later to bid;

– In previous years the Head of IT used a recruitment agency owned by his wife to recruit staff and contractors. The contracts amounted to hundreds of thousands of pounds;

– A pharmaceutical company paid for new labs, while its anti depressive Lentolin was being tested by University pharmacists. The drug was deemed to have extraordinary levels of success in clinical trials. US regulators  banned its use because of a risk that users will develop psychotic illnesses. (Professor Woodley claims that Tyson is currently taking Lentolin, illegally!)

– Cleaning contracts were awarded to a subsidiary of Capital Academicians. Cleaners who had worked for the University, in one case for 35 years, lost their jobs. The subsidiary is owned by a Senior Manager at the University.

These are the instances of corruption we  can verify. There are many more, including a charge that the Head of Biology traded marks for sex with year 1 students, male and female. One student expressed disgust at what she had endured, but was very pleased to attain a high 2:1.  The University investigated these allegations. It rejected every single one, while the Ethics Committee confirmed that the investigations were morally sound.

The most damaging allegations concern Woodley himself. He has already admitted to accepting a “business trip” (with his alleged lover Roberta Rainsford) to the mountains of Tunisia. Tyson said that Professor Woodley is known to have negotiated a private agreement with Capital Academicians. They will make a payment to an account in a tax haven, when Woodley steps down. The account is in the name of Woodley’s wife.

Woodley rejected these claims. Appearing arm in arm with his wife on local television Woodley condemned the sour faced, twisted, left-wing fanatics aiming to force him in to retirement. He appealed directly to this reporter: “Jean, why don’t you focus on a real news story. London Met have failed to meet their obligations to protect Britain from foreign invaders. This University has invested in high-tech security systems allowing us to track every foreign student. We report transgressions to the Borders Agency immediately.” Woodley offered places to those students who through no fault of their own have had their visas revoked: “Fate has brought us together. We can offer places to all students with the money to pay. We guarantee compliance with the law, superb research facilities, and supervisors with time on their hands.”

He continued: “We have investigated every one of the allegations made by Tyson. None  stand up to scrutiny. Every allegation is a rehashed version of cases already proven against our competitors. I leave it to you to find the true culprits, but do not tar this University of the Future with the dirt of other English Universities. Tomorrow we introduce Britain to a new era in HE provision. Our partners Capital Academicians are friends of the University, and good friends of mine. London Met can learn from my astute stewardship of this great institution. These bare-faced lies will be faced down, in court if necessary.” Woodley’s wife, Rebecca ( fourth cousin of the Earl of Wessex), described Roberta Rainsford as a close friend, with fabulous endowments.

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