I am sorry to call this meeting on bank holiday Monday. As you know from Friday we will be employed by Capital Academicians. They do not know about this meeting. We need to devise an innovative, perhaps unthinkable, marketing strategy, one that will secure all of us in post. The four of us are the heartbeat of marketing at Weeengland. There are friends and colleagues absent today. Surmise what you will from that. My view as Head of Marketing is simple. Up to now our messages have been upbeat, positive, selling Weeengland and its beautiful location in the green gm pastures of England. Our new strategy is to attack our competitors, to target their underbelly, to tickle the worm of uncertainty in the eyes of potential students. In a competitive market place we must disavow ethics. I have distributed the straplines of our six leading competitor institutions. There are no restrictions today – play with them, undermine them, manipulate their words. Our social media experts will spread these alternative straplines all over the web. To lubricate your task there is a box of Chablis in the fridge, the last use to which our entertainment budget will be put. This particular Chablis is savoured for the rapier like effect it has on the palate, a steely example of the Moreau-Naudet Grand Crus. I trust it will sharpen your wits. We will present these results to Capital A on Thursday. Next week we target University websites. Shall we begin?
1. Let’s start with the rather wet: ‘Top Ranking University for Research’, from our friends in the west. No editing. Start:
‘Top Wanking University for Research’
‘Top Wanking Weesearch University’
‘To Weading and Wanking Weesearch University.’
2. Excellent. Superb, our hacktavists friends will get off on those! Let’s move on to: ‘If you’ve got it in you, we’ll bring it out.’ Simon?
‘If you have it, we’ll steal it.’
‘If you’ve got it, we’ll ruin it.’
‘If you are solvent, we’ll leave you indebted.’
‘We’ll unzip your potential. Stand up from the crowd.’
‘God, that Chablis is good. Yes more, please.’
3. Good start! How about one of our nearest coastal competitors, new kids on the block: ‘A Top Modern University for Student Satisfaction’:
‘An Immature University for Student Fun’
‘A New University desperate for Students’
‘A Modern University, owned by the Bank and selling you.”
‘Mouthy, portly, indebted,’
4. Ok let’s turn to one of the London lot, those snotty bastards who think they rule the English roost. An easy one to start with: We’re Going Places. Join Us.
”We’re Going Places: Pay for Us.”
“We’re going down on you; Join Us.”
‘Free romps with Harry (he’s not really my dad!) Join us.’ Sorry couldn’t resist. The Queen will love that one!
5. And now how about: ‘Inspire, Change, Discover’
‘Bore, Repeat, Cheat’
‘Do Business, Buy Property, Patent’
‘Sell, Sell, Sell.’
6. And last, but certainly not least: ‘Top Ranking for Graduate Salaries’:
‘Selling a Commodity like no other’
“Selling Souls for Salaries”
“Introducing you to wage slavery (and debt).
Hmmm. We need more Chablis. Good start though, let’s keep going. We must target their cocky certainty, and send viruses to their clearing websites before they target us…we have jobs to keep!