To Professor Woodley, VC, and Bill Huntingdon, CEO Capital Academicians

Dear Professor Woodley and Bill,
I am very sorry for sending out that email, before my job at Weeengland was formally transferred over to Capital Academicians. I was so excited at the prospect of improving the research profile of the University of Weeengland that I quite literally exploded all over the page, before I could edit myself. In my defence I include emails received from  the Professor of Retail Integration; lecturers from Faculties across the University; the deputy Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs and a member of the local UCU executive. I have promised to maintain the confidentiality of all those seeking my help, but as you will note our strategy for improving research impact already bears fruit.

Best, Andy Wiles,

(soon to be) Lead statistician at Capital Academicians

Dear Andy,

Finally – a research strategy with balls!! Sign me up for all services! My major contribution to scholarship – a tome dissecting the purchasing habits of Tesco’s customers – is published in November 2013. I have released early versions of key chapters as pdfs on my website – Might these be published in CA studies? If so they could be reviewed and cited in subsequent articles.  However, far more important is your innovative REF dating service. I have identified panel A as my terrain. I prefer married men, without qualms. I am already a little too familiar with panel C, so please avoid! I relish this unique opportunity to improve the REF profile of Weeengland.

Yours, discreetly,

Professor Of Retail Management and Head of Faculty.

Dear Andy,

Do I qualify for the dating service? I have published three articles in the Uzbekhi Journal of Cultural Studies, and have my fourth REF contribution almost ready for publication. I would like to meet women with REF like authority, blonde hair and long legs.

Jimmy Knowles,

Lecturer in Aeronautical Space Diametrics.

Dear Andy,

No one has cited me for two years. I am a happily married man, with two young children. I would not do anything to upset this applecart but too many late nights sweating over whether or not to use a semi colon, colon or comma in my latest article have cast a shadow over my sex life. Perhaps you could help? I include the authorisation to take £52.00 per month from my pay packet.

Yours in hope,

Gilbert (Art Historian, Liberal Arts)


Good to know you are getting on in the world mate!! Always you, the only one in our class to make it! Have you seen the only female member of Panel 4 C? (Thanks for attaching the profiles by the way.) Now she is a piece of alright. Fancy a blind double date, me, Barbara, you and whomever you want to invite? If you  pull this off then I am forever in your debt.


Andy Wiles,

Your membership of the UCU is hereby terminated. An emergency meeting of the executive agreed that you have undermined the ethos and the commitments UCU colleagues hold dear. On a personal note, those of us who  have known you for some time were appalled by what amounted to an advert for sexual services by University email. You and your ilk have no place in the modern University.

Alex Witherspoon,

on behalf of the UCU coordinating committee

Dear Andy,

Apologies for my recent email written in my capacity as branch secretary. My career needs a boost. Might we meet for coffee. Say Monday 11am in my office?

Alex, Philosophy

Dear Andy,

As Deputy VC for Academic Affairs I predict that you will have a bright future. Your identification of appropriate impact strategies, and your innovative use of dating business services, will become a model for the HE sector in Britain. I know a fair amount about Academic Affairs. Should Capital Academicians require support in this endeavour my services are available, for a small fee. My son is currently unemployed. He does have a PhD from Cambridge in particle physics, and he writes like a dream. Perhaps he might ghost write some contributions to CA Studies. Splendid work.
Deputy VC Academic Affairs,

University of Weeengland


You are  morally bankrupt, corrupt, stupid, too dirty to wipe my arse with.

Josie Lisle, Professor of Moral Philosophy

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