Improve your Research Impact (and sex life) at University of Weeengland

Dear Weeengland Researcher,

Allow me to introduce myself, Dr Andy Stiles, impact statistician at Capital Academicians. You will be aware that the University of Weeengland has outsourced all services to Capital A. This includes measuring your research impact. Here at Capital A our statistical unit is devoted to this task. What can we do for you?

– We measure the  hits on your personal website, and our unique programme generates more hits.  We gather detailed demographic information about your internet hits including the age, sex, class and even home addresses of your readers. Where possible we gather contact information, allowing you to email your fans directly (please remember to update your website on a daily basis. Our programme generates precise statistical data about your reliability. Daily updates improve research impact!) ;

– Most of you publish in lousy, third-rate academic journals. The average number of readers varies between 1.2 and 1.4 in any one calendar month. Now Capital Academicians can transform a third-rate article into one of the very best. How? We offer students £1.00 per article clicked on, providing the author is a member of staff at Weeengland. This simple incentive system has made Dr Dave Hackney in Physics the most read physicist in the United Kindgdom. Let us enhance your impact statistics. Sign up for this unique service at a special discount rate for University of Weeengland staff. Bigger, stiffer, impact is one click away;

– Last year only one member of staff was cited by another academic. We at Capital Academicians have started our own online journal. We pay PhD students to write articles, citing  staff from Weeengland. Every citation earns money for Weeengland, so we pay students a small incentive fee of 10 pence per citation. With careful manipulation of google analytics and google scholar, and by currying influence over REF panels during our ‘Meet the Experts’ dinners we ensure that you become one of the most cited scholars in the world. The University of Weeengland contract with Capital Academicians provides this basic service free for all registered research active staff.

The enhanced, and the superior, Referencing Service Systems are available to you, for a  reasonable fixed rate which we can deduct from your salary. Impact is measured with statistics. Statistics can be improved. I will transform you into a scholar whose impact is beyond statistical question. Suspicious? Contact Dave Hackney on Dave is living evidence of what this remarkable product can do for your waning research life;

– Are you single? Is your sex life settling into midlife academic crisis? Believe it or not statistical evidence demonstrates that 52% of REF panel members suffer from the same ailment. Our unique dating service links you to an appropriate member of an appropriate panel. This new service is available only to staff at the University of Weeengland. Straight? Gay? Bisexual? Married? Our service caters for all desires. The REF dating service is a unique experiment, showing that sexual prowess can be translated into research income. Participate now! Read the results in Capital Academicians’ journal CA Studies, edited by Professor Woodley your own VC.

University of Weeengland researcher we have one mantra: Quality Research is Quantity Research. Quantity can be measured; it is the measure of quality. Help us to help you. Email me Andy Stiles,,, graduate of the University of Essex, trained in the art of making the unlikely probable, and the probable a certainty.

Dr Andy Wiles, Lead Statistician, Capital Academicians

BA Cultural Studies, (London Met);

MA in Economics, (Bristol);

PhD Government, (Essex.)

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