Professor of Nothing: Corruption at University of Weeengland

During a rare insight into the workings of modern University life, the recently “retired” Head of Registry at the University of Weengland, Jonathan  Tyson accused the institution of corruption. Tyson, interviewed exclusively by this correspondent, made three allegations:

– The University of Weeengland has awarded professorships to staff with no record of original research. In certain instances this is a retrospective justification for unjustifiable promotion of yes men with little ability to think;

– In at least two instances staff with little talent slept their way up the professorial ladder. Whilst acknowledging that it was impossible to even imagine sexual intercourse between these now powerful senior managers, he insisted that the only way to explain the make up of the top ten managers at the University was to examine their sexual pasts.  A close investigation of the research records of these staff seems to back up Mr Tyson’s allegations. He named the three Professors with no record of original research.  He also identified their sexual partners. In one instance his allegations go to the very top of the University management tree. He also identified three staff whom he predicted would  be promoted following sexual liaisons with senior management. Mr Tyson alleges that the University has systematically undermined the value of the title Professor, awarding it for money-raising activities and sex;

– Mr Tyson claimed that the University, led by Professor Woodley, will make redundancies in the next academic year after failing to meet recruitment targets. All universities have to meet agreed  student numbers and lose £9000 for every student they do not recruit. On last count the University, he claimed, was 500 students short of its target figure. It would thus lose 5 million pounds of its predicted income every year for the next three years. The University management, he alleges, set entry requirements far too high believing it could compete with the top ten rated institutions. He called on the Vice Chancellor and his deputies to resign.

Mr Tyson promised further revelations of the inner workings of the biggest employer in the local area. The University refused to comment saying only that all promotions were made following transparent procedures, and were open to public scrutiny. The Professor of Retail Integration denied that promotion procedures at Weeengland were corrupt, pointing to her own record of securing a large research grant to investigate the buying habits of Tesco’s customers. Her first book is due for publication in 2014, seven years after the publication date announced shortly before her promotion.

Jean Tully, Education Correspondent

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