Dear Senior Management team,
I am both sorry and embarrassed for the insulting memos I emailed yesterday. In normal circumstances I would resign. However, these are abnormal times and those memos were written under extreme duress. I will do all I can to maintain and improve the reputation of the University of Weeengland, the University of the Future. As Head of Registry it is my duty to put this recruitment mess right. There are still a good few thousand students in clearing. In my view we should drop all points requirements for entry to the institution, and leave it to the discretion of admissions tutors to admit whomever they please. We should nonetheless make clear to staff the consequences of failing to recruit another 500 students within the week.
Again, my sincere apologies, especially to the Vice Chancellor, a man whose reputation I sullied without reason. Without his leadership and vision this institution would not be where it is today.
Head of Registry