Internal Memo: Do not pass on

Dear University of Weeengland Management Team,

 

We must take an honest look at why the University of Weeengland has drastically under recruited. I trust that you will appreciate this frank admission of fault, as well as my admonition of short-sighted University policies. We have failed to reach our admissions target, and will have a loss of income bordering on £500 0000 per annum, for the next three academic year. This is disastrous. Why has it occurred? It is because the Management of this institution is incompetent and self-serving. It will destroy this great institution if it continues to pursue madcap policies.

 

1. The University of Weeengland has developed an inflated view of itself. This jumped up University believes it can compete with Oxbridge, and has set entry requirements so high that many applicants simply look elsewhere. Despite warnings from admissions tutors, from Registry and indeed from certain Senior Managers, planning has been based on dubious forms of statistical evidence which any undergraduate statistician would have rejected after five minutes. Besuited monkeys have been payed criminal consulting fees to feed us false information. And managers have bought the lie hook, line and sinker;

 

2. The Vice Chancellor, Professor Woodley, drew unnecessary attention to this institution with his macho like performances on Newsnight. He defended the increase in fees, condemned student protests as infantile, and invited police on to campus during the protests. Many students rejected the University of Weeengland as a consequence of his infantile narcissism. The VC should pay more attention to what is happening in the institution, and devote less time to securing his place in the House of Lords;

3. The University of Weeegland has failed to invest in library stock, and has failed to improve the resources available to students in all areas of student life. This despite the fact that the University has enjoyed an operating surplus for many years. The National Student Survey results demonstrate high levels of dissatisfaction with resourcing, but still the University sits on its surplus. Finance managers quote biblical passages to demonstrate that seven years of good precedes seven years of drought. Well we are now there, but not for biblical reason. This crisis has been generated by penny-pinching in respect of essential services, counterbalanaced by an average increase in senior management pay of 32% over the past 3 years. Staff have had pay cuts, students have not seen an improvement in facilities, whilst a few mandarins sitting on top of the tree have reaped profit from cost cutting and mismanagement.

 

4. This must raise questions about the ridiculous decision to further cut costs by outsourcing all services. As Head of Registry I will be payed by an outsourced company, and be required to find year on year savings of 8% for the next three years. Certain senior managers, not myself, will sit on the board of the new company. One manager recently retired from the University of Weeengland, has returned as an adviser at Capital Academicians. We will pay his salary as his consulting fee is for the management of this contract.

 

It is Saturday midday and I am drunk. Senior managers you probably view this as the longest suicide note in the history of this institution. The truth is you cannot fire me, because I know too much about your dirty dealings. Just try. I have more to say. This is not the last you will hear of this.

 

Sincerely,

A very pissed of Head of Registry

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