University of Weeengland Outsources all services

The University of Weeengland today announced its contribution to the Big Society: all services other than those of the Vice Chancellor‘s office, and teaching are to be outsourced. This includes: personnel (to be renamed HUMAN RESOURCES); all student services including counselling, health, career advice and dyslexia support; all IT and library facilities; all sporting facilities and the maintenance of estates. Announcing the £100 million tender today the Director of Business and Innovation said: ‘We are proud to establish a new model for University provision. Our chosen private partner will streamline service provision, and  improve facilities for students in a competitive Higher Education environment. This deal lowers the cost of these services, releases new funds for future investment opportunities, and will allow us to make further savings through consortia arrangements with institutions such as London Met.’

The Director refused to answer questions saying only that all details would be made available in the next month. Other institutions refused to comment in public on this new model. One Vice Chancellor, on condition of anonymity, described this development  as the end of the University. He condemned Professor Woodley as a squalid, corrupt, second-rate academic whose flirtation with big business had now become a full-blown sexual relationship, driven by sadomasochistic idiocy. Union representatives have threatened to disrupt the start of the academic year, and are tonight consulting about a boycott of clearing. Tomas Kucinski, Head of UCU at Weeengland, called on the University Academic Board to reject this absurd attempt to privatize the University. The Director of Business and Innovation described Dr Kucinski as an ‘unreconstructed Stalinist who  failed to notice that the bricks of the Berlin wall have all been sold, on the international market.’

The University refused to respond to rumours that up to 40% of staff are threatened with redundancy. The favoured provider, thought to be Capital Academicians, argues that private providers will cut costs, and allow academics to do what they do best: teach and research. CEO Bill Huntingdon, a philosophy graduate, contends that Universities have been distracted from their core mission by unnecessary bureaucracies and unmanageable services. ‘Let the professionals run IT services. Let the professionals develop an estates plan. Free up academics to return to their books. Surely that is best for everyone?’ He did not comment on claims that Capital Academicians have been fined in the US for failing to live up to contractual promises such as preserving University Estate. He  denied claims that Capital Academicians views published books as an unnecessary burden in a digital age.  He did note however, that Universities have been extremely reticent to embrace the best digitized provision, and that like most of the public sector University management was extremely inefficient and unnecessarily expensive.

Unions and management are in emergency meeting tonight. Clearing phone lines open tomorrow morning at 9am, and Management are anxious to recruit another 800 students in order to meet their HEFCE contract.

For further news follow updates online.

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