The University of Weeengland: Clearing Interview

‘Good morning. Is that Alex. Alex yes, so good to talk to you. I’m calling from the University of Weeengland. We missed each other yesterday. I know you phoned eight times, I am very sorry Alex. My colleagues insist on taking their summer holiday in August. Most inconvenient for you. Of course I will offer you a place Alex…of course.. but we do insist on a formal telephone interview. We have limited places available on this prestigious degree course, and we must be sure that this is the right decision for both of us. What was that Alex…why are we in clearing if this is a prestigious course…and you don’t give a toss about me…Well that’s because of government policy Alex. Nothing to do with us. We only have six places remaining, only six…no I am not lying. You might be one of those six. So are you ready for an interview. What? It is a bit early, you need some breakfast. Right, Alex. You do realise that you might lose this unique…no no of course I don’t want to reject you Alex. Yes you are right Alex, the customer is always right, much as I hate to say it Alex, the customer is always right. So, you will accept a place at the University of Weeengland but you don’t have the time to bother with an interview. Three A – levels, D, D, C. Your coffee is getting cold. Well Alex, that was an excellent interview, demonstrating mastery of interview techniques and a keen sense of opportunity. Alex, I am very pleased to offer you a place at the University of Weeengland. You are an ideal candidate for our seminar based degree programmes, talkative and engaging…excuse me…you don’t want to do seminars? You prefer to listen in lectures, not speak in seminars. You prefer passive learning, especially as this is something you  are purchasing. I understand Alex…and as little writing as possible….you will go elsewhere. Well Alex, thanks for your time, I am here if you need me. You really are an ideal candidate. We will be very sorry to lose you.’

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