WEEENGLAND Learning and Assessment Workshop: Improve your vital statistics

‘Welcome. You are here because your department performed below the norm in the NSS. Our aim today is to ‘Enhance Learning Outcomes to Improve NSS Scores.’ I’m Professor of Blended Learning, Adam Smithe. Yes, a question?’

‘Did you say enhance? To enhance beauty, to enhance monetary value. That I understand. But to enhance learning? You want to make it more valuable? I don’t know what you are on about.’

‘Yes, Professor Wiles. That is why you are here. Philosophy at Weeengland has the lowest National Student Survey score in the United Kingdom! You were here two years ago, I seem to recall?’

‘That’s because we teach students what a load of shit the NSS is. I encourage them to rate us 0 in every category. We are 94% below the average. A remarkable achievement by the way, an average of 94% when one Department proudly achieves 0%. Fabulous students we had! How the hell do you statistically quantify the value of education anyway? It’s mad, mad and meaningless.’

‘Josie I know your views. Please remember that you are currently subject to disciplinary proceedings. I would not want to make things worse!  Enhancement, Josie, is crucial to improving the value of what you do. You can enhance teaching methodologies, enhance lectures with learning aids and specialised audiovisual techniques, you can develop enhanced innovative online social media to engage students, establish student led academic assessment…Josie, again?’

‘You mean outsource teaching to students? Great idea. They will do better than those idiots at Capital Academicians. Thanks Adam I am already on an upward learning curve. You have officially enhanced me. Could we enhance our appendages as well? I’d like double Ds please. 28 centimetres for you, perhaps, Adam?’

‘And if you take seriously what we do you could write a summative assignment at the end of this workshop for academic credit on an MA, thus enhancing your CV. Today we will learn how to fill out the new module template and how to embed comparability of credit weighting between modules on different courses. This ensures that students have greater choice. They can structure their own modular programme cutting between Philosophy, Architecture and Biology as long as the learning outcomes are commensurate. What, Josie?’

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘Is there any need for that language Professor Wiles? Many learning practitioners appreciate what I can offer. These are essential skills for teaching in Higher Education. There are new members of staff here learning the ropes. We have lots to get through: ELTs, module descriptors, programme specifications, enhanced connectivity within learning communities, embedding transferable skills into the curriculum, embedding information literacy, rethinking formative assessment processes, institutional e-portfolios, podcasting as productive learning, patchwork writing as an alternative to the academic essay, blended learning in mobile contexts, computerised apps to assist intercultural interactive learning in the classroom…yes Josie…again?’

‘What the fuck are you taking about?’

‘Josie have you developed aspergers in your dotage? Do you have to repeat…’

‘Yes I am repeating. Your words keep repeating, as vomit. Listen to your inane self…blended learning? Patchwork writing? What? You want to award credits for quilts now? Embedding transferable skills? Perhaps we can offer heated blankets and duvets, feather pillows…no? Podcasting as productive learning? A PhD for my twitter account? Last twitter message just sent: ‘Screw all learning and teaching method courses. They screw your teaching.’ Seriously Adam. You were once a relatively decent version of a human being. The enhanced version seems to be suffering some formative assessment failure. A neo-liberal android like yourself must see through this crap?’

‘Josie. You come from the old world of Higher Education. In the new world the customer, the consumer, is king. We have to enhance what we give to the customer. Increased consumer confidence in the product we deliver is the aim. I am certain that everyone else here wants to learn how to enhance formative assessment, learn how to blend different learning methods – incidentally just one of the great educational innovations of the last decade – and wants to learn about pod casting. You, Josie, are an alien species in this new world. Have you read Darwin? Yes? You are one of his almost extinct Giant Tortoises. You insult the important work of this unit, the enhancement of value, of quantity, of..’

‘Adam you don’t even know the meaning of the words you use. You copied them off others, a plagiariser like your namesake without the e, Mr Smith. I’m surprised you kept the e by the way…would be typical of you to drop it and become Adam Smith. Sorry? What, your name is Adam Smith? Well fuck me gently you did drop the e! Ha! Don’t you ever feel just a little of that sleaze greasing your crater of a head?’

‘Ok Josie. You do it. Give us the enhanced version of Professor Josie Wiles, great know it all, who can learn nothing from anyone yet can condemn everyone. This is my life Josie! Teaching enhancement is crucial to economic recovery from depression, to producing employable graduates, to giving every one an equal chance. Come on you do it, you cretinous charlatan!’

‘Ok. Adam. It is simple. Learning is not modular it is developmental. Courses should build knowledge, not offer an incoherent pick and mix. Seminar groups should be small – never more than 15 but 10 is the optimum. Assess participation every week for every seminar… introduce continuous assessment, through essays, projects and workshops in addition to seminars. Make sure students can write, can talk, can plan can argue, can sniff out bullshit like enhanced learning techniques.. And stop teaching so many useless lectures which go in one side of the head and leave as a fart that no one can smell. Quality not quantity. The NSS. I would not wipe my arse with it. You think I am crass Adam? This is crass… the learning objectives and outcomes, the module descriptors, the credit system, the standardisation of every course. That is crass Adam. That will destroy education, as the likes of you take over!’

‘Thank you Josie. Class shall I proceed to tell you how learning objectives are embedded in module descriptors and put into practice so that they have impact in the enhanced learning environment?’

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Today Education correspondent Jean Tully Interviews new Weeengland SU President Jonathan Pocock-Rice

 

Jonathan, what a week ! The best ever Weeengland Freshers week?

 

Yes Jean. Absolutely fabulous? Eye candy everywhere, Capital A club nights bigger and better, free giveaways from Barclay’s, Santander, Anglo-American…and condoms in seven different flavours, from our Salvadoran supplier!

 

Did you say ‘eye candy’ Jonathan? The last SU President Candice Weymouth introduced strict policies against the use of sexist language? Eye candy…surely there …

 

Candice and her PC policies! Candice policed us, all the time. A little superego sitting on your shoulder saying: ‘No, don’t! Stop, be good!’ Those days are past. Actually Candice works for Capital Academicians now, as their student liaison. She’s cool….eye candy of Jedi like status. All those policies were just a cover really…

 

But Jonathan, they are still in force. You can’t use that language, you should not use that language!

 

Jean, I thought we arranged an interview not an interrogation! So you’re not eye candy, ok, get over it. Stop editing me! We live in the age of liberation Jean, freedom of expression, freedom Jean! The welfare state is dead Jean, we cannot protect people against their own faces, against the effects of age, genetics, smoking with silly PC policies… no Jean it is up to you, and to be frank you’ve let the side down.

 

Jonathan you are a supercilious shit!  You were rusticated by Oxford, the third generation of your family at Balliol College, the first to be excluded. What happened?

 

We agreed not to talk about that unfortunate episode. All I will say is that I join a long line of revolutionaries  sent down by that awful institution…Shelley, Swinburne, Wilde and me Jean. Me…Jonathan Pocock -Rice. There were allegations. Unproven. …Weeengland saved my life…gave me a place, got me back on track, allowed me to shine. I’m mates with Prof Dave Hackney, the most quoted physicist ever. I am President of the best Student Union ever. I am putting pleasure back where it belongs: in student life, in the student bedroom, on the dance-floor. We pay for this Jean, and it is important that we enjoy what we pay for…otherwise what is the point? Three years of pleasure…that is what students pay for!

 

Jonathan, that takes us back to the point of this interview: Freshers week. What has the student union done for those fresh new faces? Tell us a little more..

 

I organised the biggest, the best, the maddest Freshers week ever! An ethical Freshers week …10% of all sales go straight back in to Capital Academicians green technology lab, and 5% is donated to peace.

 

Donated to peace? Sorry Jonathan, I don’t understand?

 

Peace, Jean. You know, Give peace a chance and all that hippy shit…only joking! Yes peace…Jean you look dubious…ok, ok, the Royal British Legion Jean. We support the legion, the most important charity in the world today.

 

Right…

 

The party Jean, let’s focus on the party: 3 for 1 on alcoholic drinks for all Freshers! A free drink to anyone who snogs a fresher! Capital A nightclub open non-stop for 72 hours with free entrance to all female freshers! Discounts at almost every late night eating venue…Burger King, Kentucky, Frank’s Burgers and sponsored taxis to the nightclub! Four floors dedicated to the best contemporary music! Drone Music! Power Metal! Terrorcore! Bubblegum dance! You see we went for a theme…drones, power, terror but threw in a bit of light relief with bubblegum dance…and you think I have no interest in politics. Well those choices prove you wrong…

 

Wow, Jonathan, I’m impressed! So many exclamation marks! A home county boy like you promoting Terrorcore…but is this all about Capital A’s nightclub? Surely there was more…or are the rumours true: you take a cut of all profits?

 

Jean, please…I am an accountable, elected politician! Once the non-stop 72 hour party was finished we held our Freshers’ fair. Only the fairest at our fair Jean! We had representatives from every local business, from every high street bank, from future employers – Capital A, the MoD, Dell, Apple – and from the biggest entertainment companies in the land including Fun Fairs United, ‘TravelPlus’ which specialises in holidays to Commonwealth countries…all managed by our partners in crime University Security Services, a division of Capital A.

 

Yes, all too familiar Jonathan. I’ve  not heard about that one special ingredient that gives your Freshers’ fair extra mojo?

 

Well Jean, what about the 7 free condoms offer, seven different fruity flavours from our environmentally friendly, fair trade, condom coop company, ‘Hard Up’ based in El Salvador…and

 

Yes yes…oh so very boring Jonathan. Poncey Oxford prick sent down organises second-rate freshers’ fair…you are helping me write the headline Jonathan! Come on give me more…or should I write about the Weeengland Student Union sourcing fruity condoms from companies owned by a sadistic ex-dictator …contracted by Capital Academicians to supply…

 

Jean, stop! You journalists are all the same…using words like a garrotte…ok, ok let me give you something exclusive, something you will never forget! I have personally spearheaded our sexual health campaign the slogan of which is: ‘Join the Safety Shag-fest (JOSSEF). This builds on the excellent work which Candice began last year. My idea was to link sexual health with contraception. I encourage students to donate sperm and eggs for medical research and money, I encourage men to spill their load for cash rather than for babies… Male students can earn fast, fresh and easy money if they just click on this website: www.weeengland.ac.uk/exciseyour excessspunk.com. The best thing about sperm donation is pleasure without the threatened pain of rejection…and heres the rub: all those sperm donations are being used to investigate congenital diseases…a simple plan, guaranteed to make money, promote pleasure and maximise well-being! With my help Weeengland will become the number 1 place for sex!

 

Sex? Jonathan is that really your ambition, to make Weeengland the number 1 for sex?

 

Jean, I thought you were a journalist. Have you not seen the tables? Top place for sex is that South Coast harem the University of Brighton: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/university-sex-league—students-4339174, with an average of 10.59 partners in 3 years. Now that is a table we can top! I am aiming for an average of 15…and our Capital A nights are designed to foster that loving feeling.

 

Have you had good take up on the sperm donation offer?

 

Well the statistics are remarkable Jean…40% of all able males have offered their services for a small fee. Looking more closely at the data we find that shorter men are more likely to offer their…

 

Ok, ok. Jonathan. No need to reveal your hidden geek in public. Any last words you want to share with the Weeengland student community?

 

Yes Jean. Thank you. “Weeenglanders: I am in the prime of my life. I am the man who will lead this institution out of its current parlous state, to make certain that we top the sexual league table. As your SU President I strive every moment of every day to enjoy myself  so that you can enjoy yourself. I promise to get to know as many young freshers as there are hours in the day. As a student of Bentham I believe that we should measure pleasure. I will develop sophisticated techniques to ensure that every policy passes the pleasure measure. As SU president I am accountable for your pleasure. That is my mission.” Will that do Jean? Good, then I guess that we are done! Oh Jean, I have relatives in the plastic surgery business…if you are interested? I so love the fifth estate!

 

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Vice Chancellor’s Welcome Address: Weeenglanders TOGETHER for an Innovative future

A very warm welcome, Weenglanders, to your chosen provider of Higher Education! Our mission is to be ‘ the most enterprising, the most impactful, the most diverse university, delivering the best products at the most competitive price, to YOU!’ (note to self: emphasise YOU!) Weeengland is a dynamo of innovative teaching, learning and delivery. We transform YOUR life through high-class engine room delivery, and global leadership in glocal technologies. We are the university of TOGETHER. (note to self: don’t read this note! All students must leave your talk with the words TOGETHER and YOU buzzing around their heads.) Weeengland is committed to delivering an outstanding student experience whether it be in the classroom, on your work placement with Capital A, or when out clubbing with your mates at Capital A’s brand new Dynamo Club nights. Our reputation for excellence will guide you through the maze. TOGETHER we bed in employability skills allowing you to become an upstanding member of YOUR community. Students benefit from award-winning volunteering schemes with local businesses. These are organised by our TOGETHER partner Capital Academicians. Their dedicated career development advice and extensive cultural, sports and leisure programmes will see you emerge phoenix like, shaking off the skin of rebellion and teenage sloth, a highly employable, well presented graduate with an enviable skills base. 12,000 of our students complete work experience as part of their accredited courses each year! You are purchasing an award informed by leading practitioners in business, in the professions, (and in academic study) ably assisted by Capital Academicians our partner TOGETHER.

Weeengland is home to Europe’s largest Incubator Innovation hub. A dedicated world-class weapons technology building will be erected this year using the latest Green technologies, and funded by the MoD. This includes state-of-the-art research weapons testing facilities and new tank testing equipment unique to the UK, central to David Cameron’s mission to maintain a safe, secure England, TOGETHER. We are proud of our partnerships, proud of you, proud that we can aspire together to become upright bastions of community cohesion, and competitive innovation.

Having heard this you are probably rearing to go, ready to work TOGETHER towards a life filled with the Good that we will deliver TOGETHER. But there is more. We are not just a University that takes the business ethos in to the classroom. No. We are the University that researches the impact of our own innovation, making sure that our learning technologies do transform the world you work in. Our research leads the way in impactful innovation, TOGETHER. The Research Excellence Framework will confirm Weeengland’s reputation at the cutting edge of the Impact agenda. We will invest more time, more energy, more commitment into our Innovation Impact Research Hubs led by the most quoted physicist in the History of Physics quotations (as confirmed by google analytics technology) Professor Dave Hackney. Weeengland is a university built on a rich heritage which has grown in terms of size and impact. We remain true to our values of TOGETHERNESS with a strong sense of responsibility to you. We will capitalise on your youth, your energy and your determination. We embrace our leadership role glocally, and beyond, as an engine of transformational change. The University is an award-winning leader in knowledge transfer and we are co-partners in the ‘Capital A Innovation Park’ which houses spinout companies from University research. It is here that many of you will do voluntary work towards your degree. Weeenglander, I urge you now to stand up, to congratulate the student sitting beside you, to hug them and welcome them on this mission that we have taken TOGETHER to transform your life, and to transform. Hug as sign of your commitment, a pact for the future, and let the partnership TOGETHER begin. (note to self – if you see any staff engaging in a hug with student briefly intervene to remind academics that there is a code of practice regulating all relationships…PAUSE before finishing to give the hug of commitment its due impact…) … Weeenglander, go forth! Innovate, multiply, energize. Help us to help you incubate and deliver the transformational innovation that is the baby of the future, together. (note to self: under-emphasise this last ‘together’. The contrast with earlier ‘togethers’ will increase its Impact factor.)

 

Tesco’s Professor of Retail Innovation and Impact, and Vice Chancellor

Roberta Rainsford

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Advice for PhD students: Developing Competency across your Star Chart

Dear Colleagues,

Andy Wiles, Impact Statistician at Capital Academicians here again! I am republishing my advice to all PhD student issued two years ago now. It is all the more important that you become a self investing subject, developing the highest level of competencies across all 12 areas of the Research Development Framework chart. In this we are aided by Vitae technologies, the organisation with which all UK Universities sign a research concordat, designed to give your PhD experience heightened impact. Do contact me if you have any questions, but it is all in the stars, as they used to say! The RDF wheel below is the actual live vision of what your doctoral team are aiming to achieve. It is a requirement that they introduce it to you. So here it is! ENJOY.

Today I have the great pleasure of introducing the research development wheel, adapted from the Astrological Chart, and adopted by all leading HE institutions (see this link!!: http://www.vitae.ac.uk/rdf). This is the wheel of knowledge. At Weeengland we incentivize all PhD students to liberate their impact and escape their star signPhD students, uniquely, can explore all elements of the astrological configuration. Eminent psychologist Carl Jung wrote: “like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season in which we are born”…but what if we can help you to enjoy the vintage and the qualities of every month, every day, ever season? Your birth chart reveals built-in gifts and struggles for this lifetime, as well as insights about your  limited personality. However at Weeengland impact means liberating you, the PhD student, from this determinism. This requires a new type of chart, an RDF circle chart, designed to enhance your experience of star signs as yet unimagined, designed to make you fully rounded. Have a look at any traditional Zodiac. Non-PhD students – study a few, test it out – are stuck. For example if you are Taurus, the bull, your personality traits are set. On the good side you are reliable, warm-hearted and determined. On the dark side you are possessive, stubborn, and often greedy. But look at our RDF wheel below. The RDF wheel allows you to liberate yourself from the closed world of your star sign. This revolutionary chart forces every student to explore all twelve star signs. The chart maps exactly on to the astrological chart, allowing Taureans (typical traits in C1) for example to develop typical Libran traits, outlined in the A2 section of the Research Development Framework chart:


https://i0.wp.com/www.humanities.manchester.ac.uk/supervisorawareness/images/rdfwheel.jpg

Librans enjoy working with others, they balance the scales of justice through evaluation and criticism. They can balance out the stubborn Taurean. Now you, the PhD student can access the domains under each competency (see figure 1), establish what you need to do to meet the competencies related to your research and learning needs as identified in discussion with supervisors. You can determine your own personal growth plan, your particular path to stellar impact.

To take full advantage of this unique opportunity we suggest that you buy your own astrological chart, detailing the position of the stars and planets at the second of their birth. This allows supervisors to understand your natural limits, and to use the RDF chart to overcome these. We recommend that you follow the wheel clockwise through the key competencies determined by the planets, progressing logically through the astrological year. The order of the astrological signs is Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces. The competency statements for each star sign define a taxonomy ranging from masters to doctoral outcomes. An MA student must complete competencies in at least six star sign areas, while a PhD student must demonstrate competency in all twelve star signs. This progress can be measured in an e-portfolio accessible to central administration, directors of postgraduate studies and supervisors. The life cycle of the research student and their personalised astrological suppository will be linked to an annual evaluation.

Capital Academicians recommends that at the start of the PhD process every student visits one of out approved astrologers. For more information visit this site: http://www.astrology.org.uk/. Do contact me if you are not a PhD student and would like to progress up the competency chart, thus escaping the astrological limits to your life! This innovative development at Weeengland would not have been possible without the assistance of Vitae (www.vitae.ac.uk) who have helped to develop this amazing patented escape from the clutches of astrological limitation.

Dr Andy Wiles,

Impact Statistician, Capital Academicians

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Weeengland Restructuring Questionnaire

19th September 2014

Dear Vice – Chancellor,

We have started to evaluate all existing academic employees, in light of your restructuring plan. Unfortunately Professor Josie Wiles has launched a full frontal assault against me. She has emailed her mad answers to my questionnaire, to all staff. When I walked in to the Senior Administrative building today malicious sniggers echoed after my every step. This woman is a pest, vermin, and her message will spread. I know that you do not tolerate such impudence. It is an attack on the moral fibre of the WEEENGLAND community, on your moral fibre. We must restructure her before she destroys your plans.

In formulating the questionnaire I was guided by best practice, developed at the University of Essex, in consultation with their military commander and VC Anthony Forster. He is a truly inspiring man, with strategic foresight and battlefield acumen. He destroyed the UCU at the University of Essex, a stellar achievement.

Jonathan Tyson, Higher Education Academic Services Consultant,

Capital Academicians

(P.S. Thank you. I loved the Roderick Charles crimson petal bow tie! It has taken pride of place in my collection, and I will wear it every second Monday of the month.)

 

Academic Staff: Job Evaluation Questionnaire

NAME: Professor Josie Wiles

DEPARTMENT: Philosophy

AGE: None of your business idiot

NUMBER OF YEARS EMPLOYED AT WEEENGLAND: Check your records. I am not a computer.

ETHNIC ORIGIN: The category ‘ethnic’ is under-speciofied. The notion of ‘origin’ makes no sense, especially as my parents are dead and cannot answer queries, about the particular occasion when perchance, and after a good deal of ardour, I was conceived.

RELIGION IF ANY: Athe-fucking-ist. Jesus Christ what a stupid question.

Section A: Teaching Qualifications

Question 1: What is your highest academic qualification? (Guidance: Having a PhD does not make you a better employee. It may mean that you are set in your ways, not open to change, and too narrowly focused on knowledge for its own sake.This is merely a statistical exercise.)

Answer: Doctorate

Question 2: What are your qualifications for teaching?

  • I have taught for many years;
  • I am a qualified school teacher;
  • I have a Post-Graduate Certificate in Higher Education;
  • Capital A have evaluated my teaching as outstanding; [Capital A is a criminal cartel. My Head of Department Alex Witherspoon swims in their manure. If they rate you as OUTSTANDING you should consider self-immolation outside the Vice-Chancellor’s office. JW]
  • I work with local businesses to integrate real learning into the classroom. [Yeah, sure!!]

 

Question 3: Which statement best describes your ideal of what academic work in the UK should be?

  • The delivery of academic knowledge; [I am not a fucking postman]
  • A contribution to the knowledge economy; [I use manure for that, delivered by the postman]
  • A supply side measure designed to promote economic growth; [see answer above]
  • An economic measure designed to address the long-term structural deficit; [see answer above]
  •  The induction of young citizens into work, debt and efficiency [Yep this is now my job…but it was not my fucking idea. Once property was described as theft. Today education is theft, of the future, of the present, of the imagination.]

Section B: Contribution to the Adaptive Learning Environment

Question 4: Blended Learning is: [It is BULLSHIT. Like a frog in a liquidizer. JW]

  • Sorry what is that?
  • I like the idea but need help to develop skills in this area;
  • I combine lectures, seminars and essay in my teaching;
  • I have adapted asynchronous internet communication technology in all of my courses. This facilitates an efficient, simultaneous, independent, collaborative learning experience. [ARE YOU OFF YOUR FUCKING TROLLEY?]

Question 5: Students are: [Indebted, exploited, unlucky and if I have my way ANGRY!]

  • persons studying at a University or other place of higher education;
  • persons engaged on a quest for higher knowledge;
  • learning partners delivering a better future; WTF?
  • consumers and debtors;
  •  customers and clients.

[Listen, I am about to destroy University property. Which idiot thought up these imbecilic questions? Did you consider the possible damage that might be caused to the information services network by angry academics trying to find one iota of sense in this dribble. Get a tissue, and stop slobbering all over me. My Head of Department Alex Witherspoon does that already.]

Question 6: The teaching tools I use are:

  • pen and paper, occasionally a chalk board; (oh and by the way I talk to people, face to face.]
  • all of the above as well as PowerPoint;
  • all of the above as well as online communications platforms, email, Facebook and Twitter; [online communication platforms!! Are you having a laugh? You think this is an oil rig.]
  • all of the above as well as Blended Learning Technologies (Bullshit, see above) such as BrainHoney, Blackboard Learn and in particular Capital A ELearning technologies. [now you are really teasing my hard drive!!]
  • all of the above other than Pen and Paper.

Question 7: My attitude to the transformational delivery environment is best described as:

  • I admire the Luddites; [finally a sensible answer to an idiotic question]
  • I hate my hard drive; [Christ two sensible answers to one question! You are on a roll!]
  • a change would do you good; [and then you ruin it all with bloody Sheryl Crow]
  • I respond positively to technological innovation when it is proposed by our partners Capital A; [attention deficit disorder approaching…oh shit what was that you said?]
  • I actively transform the delivery of learning using every new technology at the earliest possible opportunity. [??????????????????????? And I love going to the toilet every morning.]

Section C: Research Excellence

Question 8: Your research is best described as:

  • an end in itself which you have no right to limit;
  • a means to attain higher goals such as peace and liberty;
  • an investment in me by the University which will reap rewards at a later date;
  •  an opportunity for Weeengland to commercialize new intellectual property rights…[yes my name is Faust, and I love Lizzy Borden!!]

Question 9: Your attitude to the Research Excellence Framework is: [Every academic who participates in this neoliberal assault on research integrity has already left the academy. They are surrogate human beings, somewhere between amoeba and insect, ghostly echoes of the beings they might have become. Basically, fuck right off!]

  • leave my research alone;
  • the REF panels are populated by double-crossing rats;
  • I strive to achieve research excellence and adapt as necessary to UK plc. research requirements;
  • I sit on a REF panel;
  • I chair a REF panel.

Question 10: How many Businesses have you worked with in order to improve the impact of your research on the wider community?

  • I object to the question;
  • One;
  • Between 2 and 5;
  • Capital Academicians;
  •  At least 6 but probably more. [I have actively worked with every single business listed in the 1957 telephone directory, although I missed out on the Ts, as my old copy had those pages missing. I promise to remedy this abject failure but unfortunately I cannot find another copy of this directory. I know that the Research Office will help. Please put copy in the internal mail. Thanks, Prof JW]

Question 11: Which of these statements best describes your academic impact factor?

  • Impact should be limited to the classroom;
  • I regard myself as an activist and an academic;
  • I work with external organisations, in particular charities and local government;
  • I have enrolled on Capital A’s impact programme, and have a growing reputation in business for my impact;
  • I am a member of the Weeengland Chamber of Commerce. [Yep, that is right I am a fine, erect member of the self-preservation society, with Michael Caine as my hero, sipping bad wine with wankers at the Masons weekly shindigs!]

Section D: Accountability

Question 12: Why are module specification templates so essential to the modern University? [Because it is environmentally friendly to use them as toilet paper? I cannot think of any other reason for their existence?]

  • They are not;
  • They are the best way to transfer precise information to consumers;
  • They helped me learn the difference between learning aims, learning objectives, and learning outcomes;
  • Module specification templates ensure that I am answerable to the client for what I deliver;
  • Module specifications use credits to calculate the unit cost of every module. They ensure uniformity, accountability, control the use of time and provide value to the consumer.

[We have really entered the looking-glass world when these are described as essential! Module Specification Templates are rubbish piled upon rubbish piled upon faeces piled upon a sea of bile and swirling intestinal fluids.]

Question 13: To whom are you accountable? [What does the term ‘accountable’ mean? Specify and I will answer, idiot.]

  • to knowledge;
  • to the client;
  • to my manager;
  • to the University;
  • to [DESTROYING]UK plc.

Thank you for taking the time to answer the WEEENGLAND Enhance your Academic Mojo questionnaire. The results of this survey will not be considered during the restructuring process.They will be used to engage positively with you and to enhance your academic prowess.

UNIVERSITY WIDE EMAIL: 18th September, 2014, 4.14pm

Dear Jonathan, thank you for mistakenly sending me the confidential email included below. It is heartening to know that your system can at least generate an honest appraisal of my answers. I have included every member of the University in this email so that they know what you are doing. I do hope that they are inspired by my answers to your crap. By the way, what was that weird bow tie you had around your neck yesterday? You resemble Michael Gove more and more every day. With my very best wishes, Professor Josie Wiles.

 

CONFIDENTIAL AUTOMATIC EMAIL:  RESULT of Questionnaire (For eyes of VC of WEEENGLAND and Capital A only.)

HIGH PRIORITY

Professor Josie Wiles must be restructured. Urgent action needed. Pass information on to contacts in relevant departments.

If you receive this email in error please contact Jonathan Tyson at Capital A. Do not share this confidential information with anyone else. You will be in violation of your contract if you do so.

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Recruitment Challenge Fallout: Heads Role at University of Weeengland

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL EMAIL EXCHANGE: RECRUITMENT CRISIS

  1. Dear Gregory,

With regret, I must inform you that HR have restructured you. All relevant senior managers concur: you are responsible for the failure of Weeengland to recruit to target. In future your role will be performed by Capital Academician’s recruitment unit. Capital A is well serviced by an upstanding statistical unit. Unlike your bumbling efforts they will sensitively calibrate our message to consumer desire. Their young, pliable, adaptive and expert staff know how to stimulate vibrations from a competitive market.This vitality, vigor and brute instinct for survival is the challenge I need. “We’re talking good vibrations!”

Your skills are better deployed elsewhere. I will write an appropriate reference and promise not to demean your stunted but excellent verbal communication, your deft touch with computers, and your unquestionable commitment to lost causes. Intelligence, my friend, is based on how efficient a species becomes at doing the things they need to survive. You never learnt that lesson. In this, and in this alone, you have failed. I have ordered a copy of “On the Origin of the Species”  as a farewell gift, and trust that it will guide your navigation of the choppy waters of unemployment and the loving touch of Ian Duncan Smith. Thanks to your incompetence there are others who will keep you warm as you sip the grim soup of reality.

I remain your friend and confidante.

Vice Chancellor and Tesco’s Professor of Retail Integration Management

Roberta Rainsford

 

  1. Dear ROBERTA,

What are you talking about? We agreed the recruitment policy. We agreed to aim Higher, we agreed to compete with the best. You developed the policy of this University, drawing on your TESCO’s retail expertise. Let’s forget that you sent that last email.  The reputational damage I might cause should give you pause…We have been good colleagues. I trust that we will remain ever so, and recall most fondly our more intimate moments during your ascendancy to power.

Gregory Halden, Head of Registry, Administrative Service Senior, Senior Director, BA Accounting; MA Creative and Artistic Practices, Group Scout Leader Weeengland

 

  1. Dear Mr Gregory Halden,

As Vice-Chancellor I do not have to formally notify you of my decision to terminate your employment. After a long and fruitful collaboration, however, I wanted to pass on the sad news. You have not met any targets agreed in your last review. These included:

  • recruit to target: Weeengland is 450 students below target for the second year running. This will cost the University £4 000 000 this year alone. You did not ‘aim Higher’: you were limp and ineffectual for one whole year. At least you posed no threat to population growth;
  • introduce a computerised admissions system to eliminate staff discretion: your system recruited no AAA candidates. Your hard drive to recruit was a cock-up. I recall, in particular, the letter sent in error offering sexual health advice to all applicants and requesting that they dispose of used condoms in appropriate recycling bins;
  • cut operating costs by 33% before August of 2014: you seemed on track to meet this target after you decisively axed 40% of registry staff during our worst period of austerity. However, you then re-employed all but one of them as contractors in the middle of our recruitment crisis. Your budget is in deficit, another limp testament to poor performance.

Some have suggested that I terminate your employment without compensation. In light, however, of your many excellent years as gardening assistant, Head of Garden Services, deputy Head of Residential Affairs, Consultant Manager with Capital Academicians, and finally Head of Registry Weeengland will meet all of their statutory obligations for redundancy pay.

You are obliged to accept these terms, and to remain silent on your time here. Your incompetence reflects badly on all at Weeengland. Any further threats will mean that I seek redress for defamation of character. I have insured my image for £1000 000. A slur on my reputation has an attached cost. (I include a schedule of damages detailing the compensation I may seek.)

Information Services have removed your hard drive: apparently it was difficult to find and access to University information systems will terminate on reception of this email. You are legally obliged to return all information you hold on storage devices. Please leave the premises with your private possessions, including that bottle of whiskey you keep under the desk, the dumbbells, your copy of I’m Ok, You’re Ok, your Sinbad dvd and that bag of dead sandwiches.

I will announce your resignation to the University community tomorrow morning as part of my final pre-fresher’s week email about University restructuring in light of the crisis. And please Greg, do not appeal to sentiment. We were once young, naive and immature. That Song of Innocence is now over, and we must adapt to experience.

Yours, Vice Chancellor and Tesco’s Professor of Retail Integration Management

Roberta Rainsford

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Recruitment Challenges: URGENT EMAIL

Draft email: Barbara please edit before sending out to all Department Admin Managers. Many thanks, Greg Halden, Head of Registry, Administrative Service Senior Director,  BA Accounting; MA Creative and Artistic Practices, Group Scout Leader, Weeengland

– Greg, see my comments in bold.  Barbara, secretary.

 

RECRUITMENT

Dear Departmental Administrative Managers,

Weeengland is facing a significant recruitment challenge. We are, to be frank, fucked. We must attract, convert and commit students to the Weeengland cause otherwise you will lose your jobs. Think of every interview as a first date with someone you really fancy. Hook them, reel them in and get them to fall in love. (Not appropriate Greg! See our new HR policy on staff-student relations! Barb) We have created and finely tuned new admissions and recruitment policies for this key period. You can read these in the attached volume, but they are far too complex for one email. However, staff across Weeengland should follow my leadership and achieve maximum impact. This year we must harmonise our centrally devolved processes. (NO – Rewrite Greg. Paragraph makes no sense. B) At our extraordinary WAG recruitment meeting I outlined a number of critical items which I explain below. Please hammer these into the thick skulls of your resident academics: (Greg, it was your idea to raise the  standard Weeengland offer to AAB! Staff know that you have caused these problems.)

  • Pending examination resultsWe have not received results for a large number of our students. I have authorised my admissions team to grant all of them unconditional places, immediately. Academics, please phone every one of these students and ensure they take up this offer. In extreme cases offer a free ipad, with all lectures and course materials preloaded. We can sort the details out once the client has signed the contract. This decision will clear all blockages from the constipated admissions system and ensure the free flow of client students to the University. (Greg, can you do this? We don’t even know their results? Some may have failed! Barb)
  • Clearing: No client must be rejected if they have attained DDE for their A levels. We expect 98% of clearing applicants to be offered a place, and at least 90% to take up this offer. Weeengland is one of those select English Universities with AAB entrance grades. Clearance applicants will view our specially enhanced reduced DDE offer as a one-off discount which no sane person would refuse. Our new VC – The Tesco’s Professor of Retail Management Roberta Rainsford – has consulted with market experts to develop this discount strategy. Weeengland’s reputation was greatly enhanced when we raised our standard offer to AAB. It made us the University of choice for many. Those who missed out first time will not reject our specially discounted offer, but remember this is a buyers market! (Greg, with the greatest respect you are an idiot. Edit this if you want to maintain even a whiff of respect.)
  • Competitor Institutions: Most competitor Universities have primed their fuel tank in preparation for clearing. At Weeengland we have one enhanced process which allows us to pump up the volume: our electronic admissions systems, personally authored by me. Our competitive advantage can only be utilised if all pro-formas are completed and saved immediately after the verbal offer is made.There must be no delay. Academic Luddites will need support to fill out the electronic pro-formas. Administrators, will do their duty. (Greg, your system breaks down every hour. It will not work in clearing. Email is more reliable, but pen and paper guarantees that nothing will be lost. I know that your manhood has been sucked dry by this electronic pro-forma project but please do not use clearing to revive your virility. Barb)
  • Recruitment until October: The University is fortunate to receive applications right through until enrolment in October. Appropriate staff in all departments must consider applications and then make immediate offers throughout this period. Holiday leave will be cancelled but if academics  insist on taking leave they must they respond to all inquiries, even while fanning themselves on their island haciendas. Delays are fatal. (Take out reference to haciendas Greg. Inappropriate and you don’t even know what it means!)
  •  Adjustment:    We have the contact details for thousands of clients who have gone to other Universities. I have appointed a select group of admissions tutors to contact these students with enhanced offers, including free ipads, discounted suites in residence and summer trips to destinations guaranteed to improve their degree experience. This is a new strategy, developed as a rapid response to changed market conditions. Our partners Capital Academicians have tested this strategy on 10 selected clients. It works.
  • The University of Weeengland is held in the highest esteem by all echelons of global society. Your continued effort has never been more important as I explore new vistas for Weeengland success. If you are a wo/man determined to make us the best you will rise to this challenge. The flaccid member of Weeengland will be revitalised for the tasks ahead, as we strive to achieve maximum impact. (Gregory, Don’t confuse your erotic disposition with that of the institution. It is repulsive. B)

Gregory Halden, Head of Registry, Administrative Service Senior Director,  BA Accounting; MA Creative and Artistic Practices, Group Scout Leader Weeengland

 

 I have a simpler suggestion – see below. If you agree I will email it out today, Barb.

Dear Admissions Tutors,

The University needs to recruit 1297 students during the clearing process. Please keep an accurate record for every applicant, make appropriate offers and take anyone with DDE or better. Students view Weeengland as one of the top institutions in the UK, and most will be really pleased to take up these offers. Thank you for all of your hard work thus far. It is unfortunate that we are in this position but in previous years we have recruited excellent students through clearing and I am sure we will do so once again.

Best wishes, Gregory Halden

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